NEVER too old or too late .... to DREAM

I didn't grow up in an environment of make believe or dreams.  There wasn't a lot of "what if" thinking or use of imagination.  There were periods when we had not a TV or radio.  There was not much in the way of paper or crayons or paints.  If it wasn't available at school, or in the scraps of stuff in the corner of mom's office ... we did without.  The reality of it was ... we lived a real life.  It was meager, at times.  It was a struggle, at times.  But at the end of the day ... which sometime came late ... there was hugs and kisses.  It COULD have been easier.  There were choices mom made that probably made it a little more difficult than it might have otherwise been- but I'm not sure it would have been better.  I might have become a different person.  Maybe a better one ... but maybe not.  Since there was always a roof over my head, food on the table, and a kiss good night...it probably resembled a more normal childhood than I realize.  The ONLY thing I can look back and see ... no, that's not right.  The thing I FEEL my upbringing lacked was encouragement!  That lack of encouragement may be part of the person I have become...and I'm not complaining.  Except that that same lack of encouragement also may have kept me from being the person I could have been.  In some cases, the lack of encouragement was prompted by the lack of finances.  I can only assume.  What would have come from an audition for the "Young Americans" if I'd been able to go?  How would my voice have developed if I had pursued the vocal lessons offered at half price?  Would the open call audition lead to anything if I had been able to follow up on that one?  Would music had been and stayed and grown in my life if I had used the partial scholarship to Chapman College?  These are questions that linger...even after all these years, and yet ....
    I am FAR from unhappy in my life, FAR from unfulfilled!  Be perfectly clear about that!  It's just a time of what ifs .... like when I watch episodes of GLEE.  I know it's an unrealistic view of KIDS making their dreams come true.  BUT- I also know that if we don't encourage our kids to dream, and reach for the stars ... we are limiting them from being all they might be!!!  sing to them, read to them, AND .... encourage them to try anything and everything they think they might want to do or be.  hug them, applaud them, and be fair & honest with them.
     As for me... my dream these days is to get healthy enough to even pursue the thought of dreaming!  It's sort of a full time job at the moment!!

Life in the passing lane

     Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say life in the slow lane is passing me by!  Certainly over these past 3 weeks or so.  Life with cancer isn't easy.  I guarantee it's MUCH easier being green!  EVEN IF I was in remission...there would be the constant anxiety of what the next check up would reveal.  EVEN IF my treatment was going well...there is the anxiety of wondering how long it would last.  EVEN IF I wasnt dealing with pain 24/7...there would be the anxiety of the normal progression of pancreatic cancer that would eventually come.   At this point...I wish I was dealing with any one or all of those EVEN IFS.  Particularly that which is behind door #3.
     We are currently awaiting word on our authorization request for a pain pump.  Medicating with oral meds is no longer affective and is present MORE OFTEN than not.  I've never been one to complain about an ache here or a twinge there.  Until 8 mos ago, I didn't know what real pain was.  Until 2 mos ago, I had never experienced true agony.  We are hopeful that the pain pump will be the light at the end of the very, Very, VERY dark tunnel I am in.  With the ebs and flow of depression, I have all but lost my creative streak.  It's like losing a good friend.  My craft studio is like a man cave...full of toys and gadgets, good music and movies, snacks, views and ....inspiration.  Without it, I'm not as joyful as usual.  I'm unfulfilled.  Being pain free affects every aspect of my life.  Nothing feels good, sounds good, looks good.
   SO, if you're not busy over the next few days...could you cross your fingers for me a couple of times?  I'm sure it will help move things along!!!