our furry boy ...... not sure he wants to ring in the new year

 this is our precious Poki ...
and he's not doing so well.
(popoki is the Hawaiian word for cat)  We adopted him through a feline rescue group approximately 11 years ago... as a 1-2 year old cat at the time.  He was nearly pure white, painfully shy, not purring, and ..... it was love at first sight for the Captain.  As he has matured, the flame point characteristics have appeared and his alpaka type fur is beautiful.  It took him about 5 years to start purring, and virtually all his "routines" are centered around the Captain.  I should probably mention.... he's  s-l-i-g-h-t-l-y spoiled too.
a few months ago, we had him treated for hyperthyroidism, and he was beginning to gain back some of his "needed" weight.  At the time of diagnosis- there were some other concerns as well that the vet couldn't rule out until the thyroid condition was treated ... and those issues are surfacing now.  Once again the weight loss, but this time around ... more noticeable symptoms that have the dr thinking we may be dealing with intestinal lymphoma.  I say "we," because although we know he has to deal with how it makes him feel .... we are dealing with the emotions and decisions that come with deciding on treatment options, quality of life, and his own well being overall.  It's a subject we are (unfortunately) are well-versed in!!)

Our sweet boy has slept throughout most of today, changing locations only once.  He is welcoming the human touch and doesn't appear to be in pain.

His sister Monkey, is confused by his vibe of late.  Upon his initial return from the vet...she hissed at his alien smell ... but subsequently, as he seems to be showing more symptoms .... she is keeping him company (and helping him eat his food too of course)

As if it isn't difficult enough to navigate our own life, with it's incoming and outgoing traffic ... I'm not sure why a big spoonful of ICK has been added to our plate?!    For now, we are making sure he is comfortable and reminding him that he is adored... and trying not to think about what's to come.

It works for a few seconds here & there.

hard questions, easy friends

I'm spending time with week with a couple of longtime/long cherished friends.
We call ourselves the TRIPODS.
yes … there are others wandering in & out of our conversations, puzzle time, kitchen duties … but it is these two ladies that currently have a great deal of my attention.
For  the past several years, we (as couples) have wrung in the New Year together.  Sometimes with festive fanfare and fancy grub … sometimes simple plans and even in bed before the disco ball fell in Time Square … 
but none of that is important.

Our Friendship ….  THAT'S another story altogether.  Important doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.
This year, the camaraderie and love-fest is yet the same as every other year.  The conversations … maybe not so much…. because we all know it could be the last time the 3 of us spend this holiday together.
Imagine that.
We could try to gloss over the severity of that statement…but ultimately, there is a point in every day together when tears are shed or a hug lasts a wee bit longer than normal-  because we know, because we share, because we love …. the "us" that has come to be over the years.
I know they know what is in my heart.  They always have- even before my diagnosis came to be …. but our time together these next few days, will remind us all how precious true friendships are, and how fortunate we are to have shared time and space (and music)!!

I AM ONE LUCKY DAME to have these ladies in my life !!

Christmas miracle recap

Between the LIFETIME & HALLMARK  channels, Christmas cards, get well Ecards, and this time of year in general... there's been numerous  mentions of a Christmas miracle.  Whether this is something one competes for,  earns, or wins via some type of lottery system...I do not know.  But I'm not waiting around expecting it to show up here anytime soon.  My guess is- they are in high demand and low supply.  But if ... Just if ...
I have given it some serious thought a time or two lately and I'm not so sure I would be asking for the  most obvious of miracles in my case.  I WAS wondering what the chances of it being more like a glimpse into the future, allowing me the opportunity to see everyone I love (& particularly those I most adore).. Living a full and happy life.  Seeing the gr kids graduate college and marry, my own sons realize their true passions in life and flourish... that sort of thing.......

I know it's not the typical- but then...we are talking miracles here, and THEY are also not too common!

SUNSHINE on my cheeks and in my soul

as mom Betty used to say- it was "another rotten day in paradise" here.  We've had quite a few of them lately.

TODAY was especially nice .. being kept company by a couple of grasshopper high jitterbugs and their parents- as we marveled through Monarch Grove and outward to the beach.

Besides the contagious level of energy I was surrounded by, the sunshine was a pure source of warmth that may have started on my nose & cheeks (and my rarely UNsweatshirted arms) .... but radiated inwardly to my heart and soul.  I felt (nearly) like my pre-cancer diagnosis self .... for the first time in 5 months.

The smile you see is genuine, and well appreciated by the person owning it.
Namely, me.

For whatever heaven-sent reason ... my routine has been quite likeable of late... and quite missed, I might add.  I have been up past midnight every night for almost a week without need
of a lie-down period during the day.  I have been creative and productive, and goal oriented.  I have been UNweepy as well.

WHY? you ask.
I have no idea.
But I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts ... and with company in numbers adding up every day for the next few ... I am SOOO hoping it does last for at least a wee while.

The grandkids are with us for a few days- following a long discussion about sharing, politeness, inside voices, and getting along with each other.  They sorely miss each other when we take them separately, but often bicker continually when together.
BUT- we did get through this first 10 hours with good vibes & thumbs up from gramma at bedtime for being part of a really good day.  We've sent mommy and daddy home for some couple re-charge time & space- with the hopes that this be the FIRST TIME in the last 3 attempts ... that these little monkeys get to stay the entire time planned.  MY health issues and unexpected ups & downs have forced early returns tooooo many times already and we have much to do & enjoy.

With hope on my part that there are many outings such as today in my future.... and more importantly with this adorable twosome - we will venture forth toward 2014 with as much optimism as we can muster, medicated or not.

There are many who wish this right alongside us, and I would hate to disappoint them !!!

a GORGEOUS day in Pismo Beach !!

pepper on my paprikash please

turns out the spray of pepper across my white t-shirt last night was evidence that my current chemo cocktail IS killing fast growing cells … in this case those cells being my hair follicles!  I've yet to determine why it hasn't affected the facial fuzz I've gained as a result of estrogen lost.  (thankfully it's soft & golden) … someone's idea of humor I suppose.  As I sit in a chemo recliner, waiting for the delayed blood panel results, I ponder my preference for being able to move forward with today's dose, VS my aching desire to have it delayed a week.  OF COURSE, even if that were to happen…. I would then wish (next week) that it HAD been completed this week, because then I would have the week off while I have a house full of company!  Frankly, it's a lose-lose situation.  Did I catch this (so far minor) cold as a result of my weakened immune system, or was my system further weakened as a result of fighting the sniffles?!!  The verdict is due any moment now…...

moments turned sweet memories

I'm snuggled into a queen sized bed aside my hubby who reads intently … something about tomorrow's weather to be sure.  He mumbles a word or two now and again, but unless he turns my way, I assume it's a comment- and not a question directed  at me…. so I type away without giving attention to his words.

I decided I would wander through my dropbox to see if I needed to whittle it down a bit, and, I found myself reliving some of the moments captured.  I noticed in doing so- that sometimes the memory surfaced visually … by way of seeing the "what's next" in my minds eye, while others had a physical response of  a taste in my mouth, a sigh, a tear, a smile.

The moments caught are special or significant to be sure, but the thought behind them is what then brought the memories to "re-life", you might say.  The memories are to be cherished and precious each in their own way.  The reason some of them have come to become moments… perhaps not so wonderful.

In FB chatting with my brother-in-law earlier today- he commented that he was envious of our recent bout of travel & adventure … albeit for not the best of reasons on our part.  And he's pinpointed the reason for this entourage of memory making outings we prioritized our life with.  Diagnosis of a terminal condition will do that….if you're lucky.  I've heard situations where such a sentence has debilitated someone to an extent where they practically withered away instead.  That's not happening here.  I am fighting to hang around for a while, to be sure … but MORE IMPORTANTLY, I am living as much as possible for however long it is possible.  The Captain is making sure of that, even with my occasional kicking and screaming through the expense of it all.

With the naive notion that my initial type 2 diagnosis could be remedied with weight loss and activity, I embarked on a healthier lifestyle shortly after my BIG 6-0 hit the calendar …. low and behold the hard work put into this "plan" uncovered s

something far more serious and … well … deadly.  I suppose I can be thankful that it did so at all, or perhaps I would otherwise be prolonging death VS life at this point.  BUT, I still have my moments of anger and dismay that it's happening at all… why me?
Well …. why not.  There is no scientific why.  That alone pisses me off more than anything.  And yet, it also means I couldn't have done anything to prevent it…. so I can't kick myself in the ass either.  There's no point in wasting my time "what if-ing" !!
SO- instead … I am resolved (somewhat) to wracking up a few hundred moments that perhaps will ALSO become memories for those I eventually will leave behind prematurely. With luck (and a great deal of hope on my part as well) … there will be some moments in print or pic that evoke a giggle, a storyline, likely a tear … but mostly … a memory to hold close to ones heart.

I've had a few firsts these past months, and there are more planned in the near future that I hope to be around for.  There are times when the eventuality of my condition is but a passing thought … times I relish the most because life is not "all about me"  at those times.  I've never wanted life to revolve around me.  I'm more of an us person really.  But the beauty or enjoyment of some of them come not only from the new experience, but with those I experience them with.  Those who have chosen to spend a little extra time with me on this journey.  Those taking time from their own normal lives (oh to have that normal again) …. to be with me.  WOW

Whether it is the general of my army, friends turned more like sisters, sisters building new bridges, or of course my ever present president of my fan club (the captain) …. the time I have left- however much that turns out to be, is a wonderful time for all the moments it builds for me to carry on to where I go next.  I know not what I believe with regard to that…. but if nothing else more dramatic, I can dream about where I've been, what has made me smile & laugh out loud, and the people who have brought me such joy and love in my life.  It's a heck of a ride that I hope last longer than statistics predict.  I'm hoping that purpose so many speak of ….. has yet to be filled, and I have some living left to do!!

Repunzel …. let loose of that hair !

In the early stages of my original chemo regimen … I had things I would say to make myself feel better when reading blood panel or scan results ….  IE:  "well at least my spleen is unremarkable."  And it worked (well, not really, if I'm to be honest)
The one thing that I hung onto (as vain as it sounds) during what now seems like those early days- was that it was unlikely I would lose my hair with the normal PC chemo cocktail.  HOWEVER, not normally lucky by chance- my usual day to day likelihood of life has once again reared it's ugly head to let me know that the thinning that took place a couple months ago, was the LEAST of my follicle worries.  My fur-lined sink is a reminder each morning that my thick, precious, once silky locks… are long in the past and not coming back anytime soon.  With this new treatment, has come the side effect I greatly feared… that of looking ill!
And I hate it.
You can say all those cliche' things about bald being beautiful and looks beauty being skin deep, but the fact of the matter is …. I think it's pretty damn unfair to take my life AND my hair too!  I know that sounds shallow- but it's the best I can do at this moment when I can see my scalp shining back at me!!
HOWEVER …. I have taken the first steps to adorning myself with locks of a different shade & length & style… in hopes that it will put the "character" back into my personality that this cancer has begun to rob me of.
MUCH has been affected by this diagnosis and it's treatments …
my sense of humor, patience, tolerance, dreaming…. to name a few. . . and these are not even generated by the medical issues I face on a daily basis!  If this "plate" I've been handed is a result of what a higher power thought I was capable of handling … then he was sadly mistaken.  When this happens, it happens to relationships and entire families- so FRANKLY, a compassionate person is not going to serve such a meal of judgement. (in my opinion)
AND AFTERALL … since this is MY blog… it is full of MY opinions…. right??

a (nother) love letter to my husband