life by the numbers

100 numbers are all around us.  like it or not.  6:30  They rule our day and our decisions  160 no matter how hard we try to "pretend"  WE are in control, it is those numbers ... often  ever elusive.  demanding.  bossy.  2-3  ... teasing ... snickering 18.  These numbers, are milestones at times,  but hold us back as well. 1-1  Numbers are often a key factor for rules & laws & requirements & health measures.  65  But too often, they are labels and stamps created 25 to categorize us.... and set limits more likely to fail than succeed!  110/68.  I understand that some people actually need to be told a specific number sometimes (common sense just isn't common enough place in my opinion)  4/4   I also understand that a great many people pay little or no attention to them anyway, but ...
I was thinking the other day (?) that there probably doesn't exist a TOTALLY valid number.  6' "It" had to come from a recipe or formula or calculation of some sort itself.  parameters were set, ranges determines (that, by the way keep changing 39 ... so- how accurate can they be?)  Anyway- back to the thinking part ..... if each time we were presented with a number, 20/20 we took it upon ourselves to gather more information on our own, consult others and then ... found where we, as individuals need to set our own number!   I've kinda been allowed to do that recently.  1st   it's a heady feeling.

a loving bunch of (coco) NUTS

the all American family?
Well perhaps, ONLY in the "American" sense of the word!  A recent (and still memorable) gathering at our place brought together sisters, brothers, grand kids, nieces, nephews, daughters & sons.  With at least a half dozen call to orders ... we finally assembled long enough to set the timer & click off a few shots before they were acting crazy & out of control (again)  When handed props & directed to the pirate ship a few feet away- you can only imagine how "orderly" that photo session went!  THIS family unit used to spend (at least) Thanksgiving weekend together every year, but with career obligations, sporting tournaments, logistical issues, & just plain LIFE ... it's just as easy anymore.  BUT, the beauty of this moment on this day, for this picture ... is that the laughter still rings in my ear, the squeals of joy, the comical remarks, the feeling of togetherness is STILL only a thought (or picture) away!
After the last car departed that evening, tears formed and lingered, and the Capt and I walked into a quiet, serene house- greeted by the kitty cats who had been somewhat scarce during the commotion of the crowd.  We shared a hug & methodically began the mini clean-up chore that comes with foot prints & hand prints, & laundry,  & ... recycling.
Left behind were beautiful bouquets of flowers, shoes, lipstick, and a WHOLE LOT OF LOVE to get us through the next few days!
Family .... priceless.

T, C, & Me ... YIPPEE

there was a time ... sometimes seeming NOT all that long ago- when it was JUST the 3 of us!  With their dad still trying to make his post-divorce way in the world on his own terms ... forgetting that time passes all too quickly in a kids' life and that you can't go back & replay the times you missed out on, I was the primary parent & a bag of chips!  As much as it hurt that the boys missed their dad... my heart totally ACHED when they were away visiting him ... so having them with me nearly 90% of the time was A-O-K!  Anyone who knew me then or knows me well now, also knows that I adore these two young men (ok, perhaps not so young... but if they get older... I get JUST PLAIN OLD!!)  I never looked forward to getting them out of my hair, and I can never get enough of them to this day... especially the two of them at the same time!  Between their individual senses of humor and how they play off each other when together ... there is constant amusement (and stomach aching laughter).  DO I tell them often enough how much I love them ... I think so.  But just in case, I will tell them again right now!!

No woe is me from this end

Reading the newspaper can put ones problems or issues in prospective.  I may not have the best forecast with regard to the weather of my life, but it's blue skies & sunshine compared to the routine headlines & editorials on an average day.  Certainly I would be in far greater distress if my child had been abducted, my family in the line of a hurricane, or ... A meteor was heading straight toward the United States!
I'm not one to routinely feel sorry for myself.  In the long run, it seems like it would be a huge waste of time.  And these days, I can't afford that.  I can afford to go to a major league ball game.  I can afford to go to Hawaii every year. I can afford almost anything that I actually WANT.  But at this point, I can't afford to waste time.
BUT.....
The way I choose to spend IT, is a personal decision.  I've been told a lot lately that it's all about me now.  A concept I have joked about many a time, but never believed.  Ok, I take that back..there have been times when I had the choice to clean house or have a pedi, and to justify choosing the latter.. determined I deserve some pampering.  That's an "all about me" kinda statement, in my book.  But I wasn't picking ME over someone else's well being.  SO I hear the all-about-me comments and they still make me feel a little selfish.  I understand the concept, the thought behind it, even the sentiment in which it is spoken... but I'm not totally buying into it.
Yet. (!).
And ...given the headlines splashed across our daily paper each day ... Perhaps I never will.

WOW - CHOW - OW

we are currently in The City ...
In California ... that can ONLY mean one place!  While our target reason for being here is a UCSF consult for moi ... we hadnt been here for a real visit since moving from the area nearly 10 years ago- so we decided to make it a mini vaca by trading some of our Maui time for a cozy spot in Pacific Heights.  Turns out, it is cozy INDEED.  Jackson Court, built over 100 years ago is clearly, a mansion turned B&B.  And it's quite lovely

Yesterday's itinerary included a visit from family members that chose to meet us near the waterfront, @the embarcadero BART station, without any need to plan further than just spending time together.  And that's pretty much what we ended up doing.  Checking out the sights, having some grub, & chatting.  As you can see ... there ARE SOME streets that are better travelled by cable or trolley- particularly if you are going UPHILL!



Although the weather report protested mostly cloudy .. we found the sun out & about & warming us without the need for a jacket for the majority of the day, until the breeze kicked in around 6pm.  The skies were so blue it was almost as if the color had been injected into them for the sake of tourism.

We did a LOT of walking, a bit of eating and as the day worn on- so did my ability to cope without pain  :o(   Fortunately, it was late in the day.. so coming back to our digs & settling in with my hot pad & "relievers" was an option.

the architecture awe-inspiring.  the people watching constant.  the food worth writing home about.  the views magnificent.  and by the end of the day .. sleep is much welcomed!

wow ... chow ...  ow

in any moment .. a smile, a tear

Approximately 5 weeks ago the phone rang & a familiar voice asked me if I was home alone.
My stomach knotted up.
It hasn't relaxed since.
Since that call, seemingly only a few days ago .... I have been poked & proded, questioned & requestioned, drawn from, labeled, drugged, pictured, tattooed, analyzed,  informed, and directed.
I have also been hugged, prayed for, hugged, counseled, hugged, advised, hugged, educated, hugged, and ..... loved.
I prefer the latter, although for reasons much simpler than what brought them on!
I have cancer.
Saying the word is easy - now.  Because, afterall, it's a fact.
But I'm not resigned to it.  I'm pissed off.  REALLY pissed off !
However, I also know it is what it is, (I'm getting tired of that phrase) and being angry is of no value or benefit.  So while I agree it is one of the emotions I feel- I will not let it monopolize my thoughts.  BECAUSE .... it is a waste of time, and I hate wasting time on something that gets me nowhere!  My head is not in the clouds, I know I can't beat this monster, but I'm not gonna let it win every fight along the way either.  I am gonna kick back at it as hard & as often as I can manage to AT LEAST bruise it's ego!!
At this point in time, being realistic is a little more important to me then being hopeful.  It might not be the same approach as YOU might take .. but then, this is ME we're talking about!  Don't confuse it with giving up or giving in ... as I am doing neither.  I'm just making sure I understand what I'm up against so I carry the right weapons!!  If you'd like to join my army ... lemeno!!

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

when the whole wide world is fast asleep ...
My SeaGlass quartet has been working on this song periodically.  I have always loved the song.  I took to it after just hearing the learning track once.  With all that's been going on in my life lately, music has taken a backseat for a while.  Singing brings my emotions to the surface.  How ANYONE can sing without emoting is totally foreign to me.  EVERY song I sing means something to me.  When I am honored to be singing something that I can totally immerse myself in ... I give over 100% to it.
DUH
But- for some reason- not everyone buys into this concept-  and that totally whacks my brain.  We are on the doorstep of our chorus' summer production, and I am still waiting for some of the members to buy into the storyline & music & characterization of the show.  I dont understand the "save it for the paying customers" mentality.  HOW WILL YOU KNOW what works if you haven't been trying on your character??  It is a headscratcher for me (meaning, there is no logical answer or reason).
It is PARTICULARLY bothersome to me because ... in all reality- it could be my last show with them. In fact ... it may be that I cannot even be in this show- depending on the turns my life takes over the next couple of weeks.  So the pain my heart feels when people wander through the rehearsals like zombies ... is personal.  Would they act or perform this way if they knew it was their last opportunity?

I wonder.