Happy Chemo to me ..... Happy chemo to me ....

what a lovely way to spend one's birthday you might comment sarcastically ... but, depending on how you choose to look at it- it PROBABLY is the right way to spend part of this day.... given my medical circumstances and what I stand to gain.  That being TIME.
Afterall .... when one celebrates a birthday, they ARE- in fact, celebrating the passing of another year.  of more time.
TIME- it's what we think about more often than anything else overall ... the desire to have as much of it as possible, as long as quality is part of the deal!  and besides ..... Jan 28... is just another date on the calendar.  Last year ... the number 6-0 seemed awfully big, awfully old too.  Not much was made of the milestone, and I was fine with that.  Hearing Happy Birthday in excess only reminds me of how much older I am physically than I am mentally.  But up to & including last year .. I was betting on at least 15-20 more birthdays.  Low & behold dear ones ... betting is not only less than lucrative for ones pocketbook, but the outcome can also be less than promising .... case in point!
HOWEVER ... as I sit here singing Happy Chemo to me silently ...  hoping it will not be the last birthday I celebrate, but MOSTLY, thankful I am here to sing it at all.  With so much of the unknown looming ahead of us, I am thankful for this day, at this time, in this moment ... to be here with my Captain.  To have had the weekend with our grandkids.  To have had the sunshine on my face.  To have had sand between my toes.  To have felt laughter come from deep within.
Lucky, LUCKY me ... in many ways!!

the BIG 10 ... and I'm not talking about basketball!

As retirees long standing (now) ... every day is what used to be our "weekends".... appreciated for the slower pace, do what we want schedules they represented.  NOW, we have those days when we need to look at the calendar or an electronic device to determine the day of the week it is.
BUT OCCASIONALLY ... there is a highlight to that good ole fashioned weekend that reminds us how special they used to be.

WE motored over to Bakersfield to spend time with the boys, and even more specifically ... watch the grandkids play indoor soccer. On separate teams (age brackets) of the same name (Bombers) ... and BOTH wearing #10 jersey .... chosen by their daddy who ALSO wore the #10 in his young days of the sport!  BOTH kids were excited and prepared, to get onto the court & expel some serious energy.   Addyson, being new to the sport, lacks the skill that will come with experience, but makes up for it in drive & enthusiasm.  She's ever-ready to get in the middle to mix things up.
Anthony, in his 2nd year of action, exhibits the finesse of the sport, but is less aggressive to be in the thick of things.  BOTH possess the team spirit, and BOTH keep on ticking til the clock runs out!  It was a great way to spend family time ... from lunch in advance- to toasting good sportsmanship with frozen yogurt afterward.
It reminded me of the MANY years of spectatorship I spent with their daddy & his brother ... both having started the game before they turned 5.  The beginning roots were planted thru AYSO and continued through club teams playing year-round and high school seasons in the bitter cold & heavy fog!!  I was a dedicated parent, and have a lot of great memories (and injury stories) as mental trophies.

SPORTS on this level are a great way to keep kids busy & in better physical shape than their game-box counterparts.  The lessons learned about team work, sportsmanship, and discipline translate DIRECTLY into the real world as they grow and mature into adults.

Winning is not as important as learning to work with others toward a common goal ... learning that hard work pays off in the long run.... learning that sometimes the success of your game is not necessarily reflected by the ending score.

a letter to my Lo ...

some times .... that "thread" that finds its way to connecting people, lands in the most surprising places.  SOME TIMES ... it floats (I assume) about so transparently, settling as light as cotton candy on unsuspecting individuals.  I know not how it happens in reality.  I only KNOW it does.  It's happened to me many times in my life- although, oddly, only in this past 2 decades of my 6 decade existence.  Perhaps it is because I am at an age when I can most appreciate true friendships  ... or perhaps it's happened when I needed the connections most.  I don't care to analyze it- I just plan to bask in the fact that I have been so very lucky to have the experience of it.
    What seems like a mere couple of years ago,  I was INTERJECTED into the Celebration Chorus just seconds before a regional competition (so to speak).  All things coming together this late in the game- I needed a roomie for the weekend event, and as luck would have it, Lois volunteered indirectly for the gig.  That was  the virtual beginning of the sisterhood we share today.  Before that, I knew only what I observed.  She KNEW everyone in the group.  She KNEW about ALL the goings on within it.  And SHE had a hella-sense of humor!  AFTER our stay together I KNEW these were all facts rather than assumptions .... and more ... so much more.
THAT was about four years ago (I think), and now ... our friendship seems as if it has been our entire lives!  SO HERE, MY LO - this one's for you!!
YOU are one of the most important people in my life.  I couldn't tell you exactly how, why, or when it happened.  Frankly it doesn't matter.  ONLY that it has, and I am eternally grateful of such.  You bring a fullness (and sometime freshness) to my life like no other.  That I have other friends I value equally has no bearing on what my life would lack if you were not part of it!  I adore you.  I wish I could remove the pain & stress that sometime envelopes your day.  I don't know how you do it sometimes, but you always have time for me.  You are so much more than you realize. (to SO many)    
    Our shared humor, our sisterhood is priceless and unmeasurable- and I find that just a day or two without some connection of typed word or such seems much longer at times.  I can never repay you for what you have added to my life, but I will try ... the best and for as long as I possibly can.  But no matter what-  ALWAYS remember how much you mean to me.  IF life were fair and just..... you would be wealthy and eternally happy.  BUT THEN ... if what you have been through is part of what brought you into my path ... then I'm sorry for your struggles, but not sorry for your arrival, I admit.   I love you and I hope to be attached at the hip for a long, LONG time!

not a wonderland - but WONDEROUS indeed !

ok, OKAY - sooo this time last year ... or even this time last month.. the area was completely blanketed with snow. BUT there was very limited evidence til we got to Truckee, BUT -  all that really meant was my nose wasn't glued to the train window!  The first leg - from San uis to Oakland was trouble free & relaxed. S-L-O-W, I admit, but who's in a hurry? (ok, maybe some people were ... but not us)
Our overnite stay (10 hours worth) on the bay brought us RESTED, to the Emeryville station for a 9:30am departure on Friday morning ... inching us ever-so-closer to "picture-ville" that afternoon.  I can't honestly say that an arrival in Reno normally has any element of excitement for me.  I do not feel the pull of the roulette table, or hear the bells of a winning slot in my dreams.  But fortunately,  IT was not our intended destination ...

Coming over the last of the California mountains as we officially entered Nevada, my breath caught midway past the space that used to host my tonsils... with the first spot along the way where the snow was untouched and glistening.  A slight shiver traveled down my spine as I thought about the chilly temps now surrounding us.  Uh oh .... did I bring my long johns?? my mittens, my UGGS ???  burrrrrr

(niece) Dionna was ready & waiting at the station to snatch us up & load us into her curbside parking space (what service) and the drive to their home in Carson City would have been brief, were it not for the stop at RENO HARLEY DAVIDSON.  A T-shirt and poker chip later ... we were on our way.  As we neared... there were signs of a serious December storm having dropped a significant amount of powder, and the cool temperatures that have kept it on the ground for nearly a month.  ONLY recently the weather has been more temperate enough (by area standards) to melt it down to patches instead.

 Part of our entertainment package included introduction to Miss Payton, AKA Tyler's "baby" girl.  As an added bonus having booked our trip early, we were witness to her recent date with boyfriend Sherman .... please note I am speaking here of Payton, NOT Tyler.  That clarified.... it was determined that Sherman was markedly more excited to see his girlfriend than he was accurate in what was hoped he would leave behind- so a subsequent meeting of the behinds has been set up for the two of them.  With nature & a little luck, we will get news of little chocolate kisses arriving a couple of months from now.  We've officially been invited to the "showing" when the time comes... but my fear of having an episode of cute aggression, could inhibit that visit!  Time will tell of course ....

While nephew, Eric may assume he is the man of the house ... it is quite obvious to me that it is Sir Cinnamon that holds that position hereabouts.  The house clearly belongs to him when he so chooses ... up to but sometimes including his puppy Payton.  They are loving companions in this family dynamic.  Cinnamon, being the typical keen feline, knew immediately that the Captain was a mark that could not be missed when it came to a stroke, a massage or a piece of jerkey bacon.  He appears to be a marginal football fan .... but will put up with it for a soft lap to nap on.  He's a beautiful puddy tat with eyes as gold as his coate and a personality just as radiant.

Our visit has proven to be overly strenuous for the guys at times ... leading to male bonding while packed into the mini recliners in the tv room.  We've found that only cooking aromas wafting into their space seems to revives them.  (just kidding ... this one was posed)

Lastly (for now) - was a great outing to historic Virginia City yesterday (pictures to follow at a later date)  Gunslingers, bar maids, suicide table, ghost sightings, gold mining .... you name it, they got it!!  AND  a trinket to remember this wonderful trip by (gee, I thought a photo or two would do that?!)

AS Wednesday's child... my guardian angel is Raphael and I now have a beautiful medallion to remind of it any time I choose.

In this last 24 hours of our visit, I have also spent time with my oldest sister, which was long overdue and quite enjoyable too.  Tomorrow, we will once again board the train for our journey homeward.... with little doubt that we will have more pictures to show for our time, more conversation between the Captain and I about our time, and the hopes and wishes that we will have a lot more time .... for visits like this one!!

chuga- chuga- chuga- chuga .... tooot, toooot

YESTERDAY afternoon, we were off & running with an on-time departure from the SLO station, having been taxi's there by Ms Jules.
 Across the dry fields & valleys we travelled ... continued evidence that we are in dyer need of rain.  serious rain!
I clicked off a few pictures here & there, then took to reading, puzzling, gaming, & napping- with the occasional glance up to see where we were or how the landscape had morphed.  As evening fell, we made reservations for a dinner table in the dining car & were seated with a couple from our neck of the woods- on their way to Oregon.  It was comfortable and interesting conversation, and we bid them a good eve & good travels, as we returned to our assigned seats a couple of cars back.  The 6 hr travel seemed shorter than actual & we arrived at the Jack London Square station on time, with just a short wait for our hotel shuttle.  It was an overnighter stop that allowed us to start up travel today fresh & alert, so we can check out what might really be the interesting scenery once we leave the confines of the Bay Area.  This morning, we leave out of Emeryville Station, with Starbucks in had and a chocolate donut stashed in my bag.  My yogurt & fruit will wear off WAY before noon!
ONWARD we press ......

Happy Birthday to the "Jules" of my personal neighborhood!

I love you my friend- I truly adore you.  And I am so happy that you are part of my life.  EVERY DAY!

I love that we have an unspoken language between us.  that we can say what we feel and mean what we say.  that there has never been the need for an apology because everything we do (or don't do) is ALWAYS in the best interest of each other.  That we are there for each other when it matters most, but give each other the space if ever needed- because we know we are ONLY a few feet away from each other … and even closer emotionally & mentally!

Your birthday- like mine, is JUST a date on the calendar nowadays.  But it's also a chance, a reminder- to tell you how very special and treasured you are by me (and MANY others I'm sure)

HAPPY 
BIRTHDAY !!!

with much love

HAPPY trey-trey YOUNG Vanessa

on this day … 33 years ago- the Captain was gifted with his daughter, Vanessa.  I don't know what time she arrived.  I don't know how difficult it was to bring her into the world.  I don't know if they knew beforehand that she was a "she".  I don't know how they came to name her Vanessa.  

I wasn't there.  

I know (from stories) that she was a sweet, sometimes shy, & precocious child.  I know she was a difficult teenager (by experience), I know she made some difficult choices (as did we) that brought her into her mid-twenties accompanied by better decisions and more responsibilities.  I know that she still struggles with some of her choices now, and I hope her 30's work those out in her best interest.

I know she has grown intellectually & emotionally.  And I know she loves her father and I, despite our suggestions, recommendations, and advice given with the best of intentions.  I know she is sorry for the past wounds to our hearts from harsh words and thoughtless deeds, and that she is thankful that we never gave up on her.  I know she has a ways to go to fully grow up (but then again … don't we all on some level?)  And I know she is trying to make us proud.
And MOST OF ALL- I know that she knows that we may not agree with the direction she forges for herself at times … but that we love her and are proud of how far she has come.  AND- that we hope she has a VERY Happy Birthday.  I chose this picture of her for my post because I think it is a picture taken on a day when she looked as beautiful as she wanted to be!
Sweet butterfly- may you use the precious gift of time that you have, wisely.  TIME will give you the opportunity to right your wrongs, to redo things you wish you had done differently.  To say you are sorry to someone when you thought it might be too late (it never is).  And to start each day with a fresh slate, to be the best person you can be… and brighten the day of those around you.  BUT REMEMBER- time is a gift and it can be gone in an instant.  in a crash.  with a poor choice.  with a diagnosis.  You cannot control how much you have … you can ONLY spend it in the wisest ways.  GO forth and prosper little butterfly… while you have the time!!  Happy Birthday !!

HAPPY Belated Birthday

Dearest Mom-Betty,
I've thought of you a lot the past few weeks.  Partly because of things we would be sharing were you here- and of course because your birthday was coming up!  It was another thing we shared ... our birthday month.   About now- we would be making some of the plans for Palm Springs.  Mappig out our favorite restaurants.  Checking out the weather to see if we should take our bathing suits.
I noted this as a "belated" birthday ... simply because it's been SO LONG since I could really greet you in the way I would do it if you were still here with me. Can I confide something to you ??   there have been times.... when I'm in those kinda dark places ... worrying more, scared .... sad ... and  one of the things that helps is thinking about you being there ... on "the other side"- waiting for me when the time comes.  I miss you mom- I admit I'm not ready yet, but I really, REALLY miss you.
I could use a little sign from you one of these days soon.  OK, not so little ... I need a big one.  I NEED to know you are there, watching over us.  thinking about us.
REALLY !!  (like ... now)

I made something today that you would have gotten a kick out of.  Pretty colors that you loved so much yourself.  I would have had to make YOU one first, then ... if I had the time energy & supplies- one for me too!!  With my new leaf turned over that includes a tree for each upcoming holiday .... I decided I would kick this one off with it's own special wreath as well.  I was feeling the V-day" creative bug .. so it worked out.

I'm patient mom ... but even so- can you let me know you're around?   (soon)

Just sayin' ......

the crash of 2014

that was me you heard hitting the pillow.
last night, about 8:24pm.
exhausted & limp as a noodle.
the shudders lasted only a few minutes before I plummeted into sleep.

my newest cocktail is BY FAR easier to tolerate and live around - but don't misunderstand ... there is nothing easy about it!  My aftershocks (if you will) are a little unpredictable.  The first two rounds were so similar, we began making travel or social plans around their usual timing, only to find that # 3 was different ... then too was #4 & this latest one.
I call it crashing-  It's unexpected and comes on suddenly, much like a crash would do.  Last night's followed a day of much productive cleaning & painting, and one might think it was because I over taxed my body's limitations- but that may or may not have been the case... because, as I stated- it is unpredictable.
I spent a great deal of the first 2 months of my diagnosis "taking it easy" - and it wasn't (easy).  I didn't feel good, at times I certainly didn't look good, and I wasn't getting any good-er.  The more active I can be, the more "normal" I can press my life to be ... the better I will be in the long run... physically & mentally.  If the occasional crash slows me down, so be it .... as long as my auto insurance premium doesn't increase!!

on a TOTALLY different note .... I went to send my 2013 blog to print and found out I posted LESS THAN 100 times this year!!  OMG- I tried to see if there was somehow, some way that posts had gotten dropped .... perhaps when we changed over to MAC or such??  But- all indications are that I was, flat out, no bones about it, remiss in my PONDERING !!  Trust me ... it was NOT because there was lack of it ... there is just lack of evidence of it ... and I have vowed to NOT let laziness, thoughtlessness, or "crashing" get in the way of it this year.
My hopes are that years from now- someone will pick up one of my blog books and relive some really great moments.  tender, emotional, exciting, touching ... r-e-a-l moments ... that mean something to them.  And maybe- someone accidentally comes across the site, falls into it's pudding of words, and comes out saying "I wish I had known this lady" !!

I have a NEW 10 yr old alarm clock

With the recent loss of her partner in crime .... our Monkey has been getting 100% of our available petting & play time.  SHE was always more partial to frolic than Poki ....  just as he was more about laying on his back & swatting at what might pass by or over him!  And even when we introduced the laser light years ago- he would simply watch Monkey chase after it in a manic state, for mere seconds before closing his eyes to snooze near by!
We have revived a monster (and expected to)  In the past, we have had to HIDE toys at night to keep Monkey from bugging us 24-7.
Each of the past 5 evenings when she has followed us to bed, pulling along her favorite chase toy.  That first night, the Captain and I looked at each other, and smiled.  We KNOW have indulged her, like a spoiled child, and are likely to continue for a while.  During the night, she will inch the tassles closer to or between us ...knowing that (probably) one of us will be tossing it about first thing in the AM for a few minutes before leaving the sheets!  It has become my wake-up call you might say.... as she tends to get more persistent in her attempts to wake me at a respectable hour for me to be dragging my lazy butt out of bed!!  During the day, you will often hear the tap-tap of the plastic stick as she "brings" her toy to whoever she thinks might partake in her folly (even as far as toting it all the way downstairs!)  There may come a time when we DO tuck it away when the PM sandman hits .... but for now, she is pretty well behaved about it.  And besides, at our age, we might FORGET where we put it!!

Celebrate being 29 !!

     
       The Captain and I have had many things to celebrate in our years together.  Sometimes they have been BIG celebrations.... with presents & fanfare.  Romantic getaways, candle-lit dinners, cards or gatherings with friends or family.  AND SOMETIMES ... they were just the Captain and I, for a meal or a walk, or even a conversation.  SOMETIMES  they are quiet ones ..... but R-E-A-L-L-Y important ones, really BIG ones !!!  
Like today.
We're not sure exactly what this means. Neither does our Doc .... the treatment regimen I'm on is new, with a limited amount of stats to support specific expectations.  TODAY, I became part of those stats in a positive way ... and we certainly hope it's not the last time in this same direction!!  It was a long-awaited surprise that brought tears to the eyes of all 3 people in the Dr's office .... and as we left it's confines, my feet were not touching the floor, my lips were tired from grinning, my heart was hopping, and I was ready and HIGHLY willing to head to the treatment room for "my" dose of poison!  Plug me in, shoot me up, pump it in, bring it on ....
It was a party I was ready for ... at that moment ... I was ready for anything & everything it takes to keep beating back this cancer that has invaded my body & taken away the normal I once took for granted.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not nutty enough to put all my eggs into a single chemo basket - what I WILL DO is use it to give me strength to fight harder, and to believe ... that there is a chance that I can get more time .... to be with family & friends & ........ 

                 LIVE       LOVE       LAUGH
      

UN holiday the last one … "pre" holiday the next ….

with MINIMAL help from our now-single-cat resident, Monkey … I managed to de-Christmas the house today (almost).  The Christmas village still stands (still lit up)- and frankly... I'm NOT SURE when I will get it put away.  It takes more thoughtful packing strategy than I am willing to put forth at this point.  The plus side of taking on this major chore ... through my gentle nagging, got the Captain  to sort out a huge section of the attic since we were already in the area !! It's one of those things that drives me totally nuts .... moving things around to get to other things ... when the first things that were moved have been moved numerous times already.  Anyway- it took some finesse, but I managed to convince him to just do it ......
   As much as I love the festive-ness of the ho-ho-ho decor, I REALLY appreciate the simplicity of things when it's all cleared away.  I DO appreciate the excuse of leaving it out this long (due to company coming & going our holiday guests)- since it's such a timely project!  My adorable neighbor probably would love it if she had to skip decorating altogether- but she accents her home beautifully during the holidays- despite her abhorrence to clutter.... but she DOESN'T DELAY is packing it back up, given ANY excuse!!  I once saw it disappear by Christmas night!  But I digress .....

                    I have decided to initiate my first-ever Valentine tree.  While packing away the most recent holiday, I was already planning for the upcoming one.  (what a concept for me) Truth be admitted ... I was grumbling when I saw all the pink & red lining the shelves at the store recently ... only to find that I am brainstorming my own ideas in pink, red, & white.  In previous years, I have used a 3' white tree used in my craft studio for Christmas.  It didn't make it out of it's storage box in December- but will debut in a couple of weeks & bask for about a month I think.  THIS time around- it may contain more ribbons & bows of color than ornaments, but if all goes well- maybe I'll consider converting it to a St Patty's tree ??!? (Easter?  Mem Day? 4th of July, etc??)  FOR NOW ... I shall ponder how to get it started........

our fur ball took his final bow today ...

LOVING your family pet like a member of the family ……..

November 2002  - as is our usual habit, we trekked over to the local pet store in San Mateo to buy bird treats for our parakeets - Maui & Kauai.  In front of the store, the "Pets in Need" organization had kittens & cats on display for adoption.  The Captain & I had discussed having a pet on a few occasions, always coming to the conclusion that it would affect the ease of traveling at the last minute- not to mention the expense and additional upkeep.  But there was a particular cat that caught the Captain's eye (and heart as it happened) … and he found himself wandering back to his crate a couple of times to check him out & ask questions about his circumstance.
 As life would have it … the Captain had started

 working out of town more, and was thinking twice about having a little extra companionship for "his princess".  HOWEVER, it meant he needed to qualify as an adoptive pet parent- and the Captain would have no part of that … he decided he wanted this cat, and that was that.  I will not bore you with how the story played out- other than to tell you shortcuts were awarded us, as it appeared obvious that this particular cat wanted "us" too.
He was trapped as a feral cat a few weeks before, and tagged as approximately 2 years old, & a flame point siamese … which someone had mistakenly named Charlie.  It took a long while- but with a LOT of patience on our end- this fella captured our hearts and made it quite obvious he was in our lives to stay.
He changed a lot over the years… from nearly pure white except tinges of rust on the edges of his ears and rings on his tail … to the "yellow kitty"(one of the Captain's nicknames for him) seen here … but those crisp blue eyes have remained the way into his soul … so clear & loving, and strong.  The past couple of years he has mellowed significantly, even opening up to visitors to the house … and some of the routines he & the captain developed are almost comical.  THEY truly became buddies with a language shared between the two of them that was obvious to everyone. Some minor health issues have popped up over the years- but never anything that indicated he would be leaving us so soon.  OR so quickly.
Whether it was complications of issues yet undiscovered, or simply his time to leave us- is unanswered (and frankly unimportant at this point) … but his body was telling him, and perhaps warning us with it's changes … that it was coming.
We found him to be particularly affectionate & loving the past few days, including some attention paid to the grandkids who have always adored a chance to pet him … and he awarded them with that privilege several times.  It was more difficult than I expected, and the timing far from ideal no matter how one tries to justify it … but he was allowed to go peacefully after a lot of stroking and kitty kisses.  I loved our big lion so (another name he was partial to).  Monkey has yet to settle down and relax… she seems to be awaiting his return from the vet, with plans to hiss at him for not smelling the same as before he left.  But this time he won't be returning.  I'm hoping Pa is "out there" encouraging him to hop upon his lap as he did a couple of times- MUCH to all of our amazement… it's what I choose to think about in between tears and pangs of guilt for what I coulda/shoulda done for him.  He was a beautiful, precious boy and will be greatly missed.  Nite Nite Popoki.