Ken and the three webers ....

Once upon a time, there was a haole who travelled north in search of fire.  He set out on his own ... into the unknown, with a mission.  Those he left behind were worried when they heard from him a short time later ... as he had yet to succeed in his quest.
Lo & behold, with time and patience... he found that which he needed- the fire that would cook the meat to feed his family.  Well, almost.  At the first stop with much effort, he tested and probed but it would not ignite.  And so he moved on to the 2nd source, and at his insistence ... it brought him heat ... but not enough.  FINALLY ... after much exploration and determination... he came to the spot that was just right, and he was able to bring forth the most delicious of tri-tip for those of us left behind.

paradise is more than just in our hearts

life is rough (for someone) and I gotta say ... I am glad we are taking up the slack for anyone too busy with life to stop and smell the roses!  I NEVER hesitate to slow down long enough to appreciate "the moment".  I've been doing it for a long time now (and I'm pretty darn good at it)  Even my CAT stops and smells flowers we have around the house (that's how I know she's MINE)  Today was spent sight seeing, with the Captain in his professional element of tour guide.  It showered off & on throughout the day ... but it kept a few people off the road and we loved it!  NONE of us were worried about melting .... and it often gave way to some unusual cloud formations that were awarded with oohs & ahhs on our part.  The Beltranos are easy traveling companions, they are no more worried about timing or destinations bound for than we are .... making each day relaxed and comfortable.  Most of our time today was spent in the Hanalei area & at the Kilauea Lighthouse, with a late lunch out and Lappert's ice cream for dinner (?)  Time to pack it in ... to prepare for a day at the beach tomorrow!

unanswered questions ...(some never asked)

In a recent blog post, I announced (?) that I had been notified that my birth father had passed away.  I few days later (after I responded to the family with condolences) .. I got a letter from my birth aunt (is that a real term?)
She apologized for me probably not even knowing who she is.  Although I believe I may have met her briefly in 1970, she's entirely right ... I don't know her.  I don't know anyone on that side of the family! And she's right when she states in her letter ... it's sad.  I'm not sure how to progress from here ... or if it's even my choice to do so or not.  I responded to her letter out of both courtesy & curiosity.  I have questions, perhaps she has the answers.  She may be the only person who does, and I told her I hoped she could provide me with them ... if she chooses to stay in contact.  Right now, she is the ONLY link to a family I have not been part of for 90% of my life. I know practically nothing about them & this could be a can of worms.  Time will tell.

the 2nd time around ...

I cannot tell a lie ... this is NOT fun!  In fact I should be a little more direct by saying it's a miserable way to spend more hours of the day than not.  But it is not without purpose.  Or so I'm told.  I would have to think that in order to feel this yucky - this 2nd round of chemo premium grade MUST BE doing something.  But what?  demolition?  I hope so.  It is ... easier (so far) than the first time around ... I admit, but unpredictable.  The fleeting moments when I  a-l-m-o-s-t  feel good are difficult to appreciate because they come & go without much warning, and yet .... if I don't find some solace in them ... the war will have it's victim without much of a fight.
I have joked about being less than lucky when it comes to winning contests, or raffles.  I proclaimed that if there were 1- prizes and only 9 participants, I would still lose!   And yet ... low & behold ... in the cancer lottery ... who comes up with the winning(?) ticket?  Yours truly.  Yippee .... NOT!  I have yet to go through the "why me" angle of figuring this thing out.  Frankly, what difference would it make anyway.  But it is a burning question within me of "why now"?  I didn't need it to put my life back on track, to remind me of what I have to be thankful for, to remind me to stop & smell the roses.  I was already doing all of that.
I don't expect any answers .... because I don't believe there are any.  It just gives me the occasional pause to ..... ponder.

the F word in all it's glory ...

as anyone who knows me would attest to- I do not use or appreciate the use of "the F word".  TODAY- I found the exception to my preferences.  While I agree ... there are times when it's use is not a shock or surprise (war movies, etc) ... I could happily live out my life without ever hearing it again.
HOWEVER ....
It was used (with apology) today by my surgeon ... and I actually laughed at it's impact to the sentence.  It was in reference to the cancer residing in me, and what he hopes the chemo will do to it. Let that be enough to explain that SOME TIMES- there is a time & place for even the crudest of words ... even for a prude like me!
Thanks Howie!!

tears for one (perhaps) undeserving ...

I have wondered on more than one occasion, what I would do with this information.  Fact is- I wondered if I would even be notified!  I have issue with some of the declarations written here .. but then, is there any point to even care?  
With ONE exception-  in 1970, I was ALWAYS the one to reach out.  to call.  to announce.  to send cards.  to make invitations.  ME.  
And, as if I had not been ignored often & long enough ... I did so again about 7 years ago after a 20+ yr absence and was again dismissed.  (cordially & quietly, but none the less ... pretty much ignored).
I will likely send a card or letter.  I will likely extend condolences.  Because that is who I am.  But attend a gathering to "celebrate" a life I was not a part of .... no.  I would not be welcome in his death anymore than in his life, and no one would likely notice.
It's a chapter I no longer have to wonder what if or maybe when.  
HE was the one who missed out & if he can rest in peace with that fact, so be it.  
I can.

ANOTHER pondering (because THAT'S what I do)

I am spending ANOTHER evening, after another afternoon, after another morning ..... on my beloved lanai.  I have always spent far more time out here than the Captain .. but not until these past few days ... have I been joined by so many people- enjoying so many consecutive meals- for so much accumulative time.  The weather ... being particularly accommodative ..... played a big part to be sure ... but it also allowed all of us to be together in a space where we could all be part of a common conversation, or ....  view of life.  And "life" was a big subject around here, as you might expect!  It was common for most or all of us to show up for o'dark hundred coffee in Foo's motorhome out front ... then trail in as the sun rose enough to light the day... to shower, or transition from PJs to whatever was appropriate for the day's scheduled activity. Breakfast quickly found us migrating to the lanai and from "central command with a view" .... much of the day was spent, planned or pondered by one or all.  As the day wore on, umbrellas or shades were utilized and activities would adjust according to the air temperature or the level of energy present.  This lanai was host to .... a LOT of good food .... a LOT of good conversation...... a LOT of recycled memories.... a LOT of laughter.  
As of this evening, only one house guest remains (and departs tomorrow), but at this moment .... I am in the company of a babbling fountain, a cool breeze as soft as alpaca, and a black velvet sky scattered with stars.  Sis has shuffled off to her outdoor apartment, the Captain has headed to ready the bed for slumber (accompanied by his feline helper), and Monkey has curled up on the rug inside the doorway ... her patience worn so thin, she's fallen asleep.
I am reminded of many other moments such as this ... with the setting the same for me .... but a mindset that assumed that nights like this would be endless in number.  To say these simple pleasures have more significant meaning to me is an understatement the size of Texas .... I'm thankful that I have NEVER taken them for granted .... and that I do have quite a few more ahead of me, even if no longer available on the "all you can eat" menu!
ahhh, the life.  how sweet it is!!

as the childbirth pain becomes a distant memory ... I find time to ponder!

these past 5 days .... the REAL recovery from chemo #1 seemed to finally be taking place, & was not unlike the year or so that passes when new mothers forget what the pain of childbirth was like.  To be perfectly honest (and what's the point otherwise?), there was MORE than one occasion during days 1-5 when when I thought I might be in a place well known as "hell".  It was brutal.  I felt little or no hope at times and my days not only lacked the light at the end of the tunnel ... but the entire tunnel itself!  I was not happy, and most sad of all .... I was far from being ME!  Enter day 6 when the glimmer of life finally started creeping back into my life, and though I was FAR from considering child #2 (so to speak), I was a least open to the discussion of one .. some day.  Having SINCE spent the past 4 days with all or a combo of these females ... the agony of childbirth is beginning to further diminish.  Having already made some changes in "the game plan", I have a bit over a week before consenting to chemo impregnation and I'm confident it will be a thumbs up when the time comes.  Besides lowering the dose, we (the Capt & I) will be going into cancer parenthood with a keener sense of what happens & what needs to happen, & our expectations will be more in check.  
THIS was a great mix of female minds & interests that kept me nurtured, pampered, emotionally elevated and ... well.... LAUGHING!  The 6 of us haven't been together like this in a long while (and we SKYPED a 7th), and it was a great, GREAT span of time that was (I think) appreciated by everyone ... not just the "C-girl".  I adore you all & am so grateful that you chose to spend this time with me!!
pictured .... Dionna, Alex, Cindy, Me, Foo, & Sow
AND LET ME ADD ... that our cabana boy did NOT let us down.  We had drinks & desserts on demand.  Tours, lectures, & girly time that meant the world to us.  Thank you Capt!  I love you.
I LOVE YOU ALL !!