when a friend becomes an aquaintnce

Is it possible?
There was someone I was once very close to. I didn't feel we were best firends & I don't think she did either- but I'm not sure about that. There came a time when I was considered the best person to approach her about something .... and it backfired. That is to say, what we thought would be best coming from me because of our close friendship, turned everything upside down within 24 hours.
She got angry with me and all communication ended. I could never get her to talk about how she felt or to let me explain (somehow) where I was coming from. I don't know if she misunderstood, I don't know if she felt betrayed, I don't know much of anything about how or what she felt and that still bothers me. As far as I know, she is the first (and only) person that has disliked me (well, besides an ex husband that is). I wonder sometimes what has bothered me most about this (going on 3 years now). Is it that she didn't "like" me? Or is it the loss of a friendship?
I have made numerous attempts to reconnect. I have apologizedmany times & in many ways. For a long while she didn't acknowledge any of my overtures. I made them less often and I thought about giving up entirely. And then one day, she answered an email. Cordially and politely (though brief). So I didn't give up. A few months ago her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I reached out to her again. I don't see much change in our interaction (which is minimal anyway since we live in different cities), but I am torn about what to do- today. Her husband died yesterday. She has a large support system in place, but I can't decide if I should attend the memorial. I doubt our friendship (or rather lack of it) would cross her mind really. Her notification yesterday appeared to be a sendall from her email address book. No one can tell me what would be the right or wrong thing to do I suppose and I will probably wonder if I make the right choice either way.
IN FACT, I wonder right now if any of my feelings have to do with my mood (note my previous blog) For now, I will just give this all more thought! and then, I will start the movie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

boo-hoo-hoo (needed ASAP)

It would seem apparent by my quiet(er) moods of late & the longest running rosacea outbreak in history - that I am in serious need of a major boo-hoo movie. So the fact that the Captain has left the building for a couple of days is PERFECT timing!! I shall abide by "comfort food" rules for a maximum of 24 hours (so as not to destroy the streamlining I am working on), put on a chick flick on the player tomorrow night and dive head first into my blanky. You gals know what I mean and I am sure you have particular movies that ALWAYS do the trick when you need a good cry. BUT, let me interject here that I am beginning to have a little better outlook regarding some professional changes I am going thru. Afterall, there are far more people dealing with far bigger issues for far longer than I could possibly comprehend! And I dooooooooooooooooooo have a wonderful support system amongst family & friends that would let me vent if I needed too. Each day provides an opportunity to start "me" over again. So I am going to think about that!!

I wanna be a cowboy ...

well, that's the song that came into my head yesterday when I mentioned to a patient that I was wearing an extra hat for a few days (job wise) - and the song hasn't left yet.
ARGH .... I am having a LouLou week (and I am not used to that!) I am going to focus on the fact that I HAVE a job (at least today) and get my boo-hoo butt movin'.
When I feel a little overwhelmed, combined with a cluttered craft room, not seeing my "boys" for longer than I like, a (likely) cancelled trip to Disneyland, a hankering for a steak, lost bid on EBAY, & a Halmark/Kodak moment ... it can push me over the edge. I got an email this morning that did it so I need to get myself into a happy place mentally so I can start my day in it's usual (positive) fashion..... and being fashion(able) ain't easy when you're wearin' scrubs. HA

doing the taxes is very taxing!!

YUCK - that time again ....
NORMALLY we would have this over & done with by the end of January but considering that California doesn't have any money to give us anyway (probably), we were in no rush to get the stuff done this year. The Captain, in all his "engineer glory", looks at our with-holding a few times throughout the year to see if we are on track for our tax obligations .... so our return is more of a formality than anything else .... but still ..... all the junk you gotta collect, all the hoops to jump thru to get all the ducks in a row to finish it. double yuck!! It doesn't help much to read about all the UN-stimulus "stuff" that the politicians are setting up. Not one thing is going to save my job or my savings account! So I am gunna go do some scrappin' or recipe sorting or picture takin' to cheer myself up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oops ... my husband forgot to retire!

I can't figure it out...... the Captain retired and now he is exhausted at the end of every day! But then again, maybe it is because he is training to be a lighthouse docent, he is taking 2 different classes at Cal Poly, he has taken the lead for the landscape committee for our homeowner's association, he is doing a ride-a-long with the local police department in preparation for the volunteer patrol, he is studying up on solar energy & "green" solutions, he is finishing up numerous household projects that have nagged him over the past year, he is becoming the prime caretaker for Dad regarding his health & finance issues, and he is doing a lot of the weekday cooking as well ............. so even though he is "thinking" about getting up about the time I am heading out the door for work, he makes the best of each & every day and he is loving it! (yay)

my "gemini" hubby

My captain is amazing. He is smart & talented & ambidextrious by way of his interests (having NOTHING to do with his right or left handedness). His interests are diverse and NUMEROUS. Most impressive of all is that anything he is genuinely interested in, he knows quite a bit about. IF he has any interest at all in something, he then wants to know more about it, to decide if he wants to know even more. And sometimes he knows more than the PERSON who knows about something- even when that person actually teaches about it. He once ended up teaching a class he hadn't even finished yet!(?) Just to name a few (that I at least know enough to know that he really knows what he says he knows) ..... weather, log rhythms, ceiling fans, aerodynamics, auto mechanics, lighthouses, ocean currents, running cable, hot water heaters, romance, sprinkler systems, electronics, geography, SONY, antique pianos, motions sensors, mai tais, GPS', hiking, computers, nike shoes, Harley Davidson, kitty kats, military aircraft, making cookies (yum), electrical wiring, noses, Hawaii, sunsets, microwaves (not the cooking kind), trouble shooting, hard rock, barbecuing, Baywatch, plumbing, tshirt necks (please don't ask). By this time next month (well maybe in a couple months) he will be adding geology, nuclear energy, botany, voluntary, police reserve & docenting.
Above & beyond anything & everything else ... he knows ME. What worries me, what pushes my buttons & what makes me happy (him). Considering I am not particularly intellegent (although "full" of common sense) - one might wonder what we talk about?!

I'm baaaaack (and glad of it)

I sooooooooooooooooooo love coming back home! We (the Captain and I) had an amazing getaway and yet coming home is so wonderful. Frosting on the cake, diet style!
Well, all my plans worked out perfectly and yet ..... what is the saying ... "best laid plans of mice & men" ?! YOU might think it sounds a little strange to have a computer as one of the essentials for a romantic weekend- BUT, this was to be used as the catalyst for getting DVDs onto the TV & because of the intervals of rain we expected to be pelted with- it was also so we could plan our outings according to the Captains forecasting (he is quite good). Low and behold .... upon the very first boot up ..... 4-3-2-1 the monitor died. trouble shooting, no good. experimenting, no luck. dead computer, no big deal. We did without the fancy-smancy movies, we used mother nature's help for the weather info, and my blog was dark for a couple extra days. Bottom line, we had a fantastic time during the biggest storm we've had in a year. We got a little soggy, we got smoochy, & we got quality & quantity time together. It was great. (and we saw the most beautious red fox outside our window!!) I might be 4 days behind in my chores at home, but it was well worth it!

editor's review of "The Honeymoon Cafe"

First stop today was "The Honeymoon Cafe", and it won't be our last visit. BUT, we won't wait for a special occassion to return. We entered the eclectic, cozy space and were immediately embraced by so many yummy smells, they couldn't be separated (and why bother) Regular coffee from a local roasting company is 'serve yourself', perched atop a cabinet full of oversized, colorful, & mugs. The grill is located in an outdoor seating area that feels both friendly & natural. Indoors, the walls are busy with one-of-a-kind art & "stuff". There is so much to visually take in, that the wait is welcome. Ample sized servings looked as good as they smelled & tasted -and we walked away feeling an elegant sufficiency. The frosting on the cake was noting that it appeared to have a healthy local following ..... which we hope to now be part of. I can't wait to experience the lunch menu!!

inspired by ANOTHER love story ....

Candra posted her love story and it gave me a warm heart. Perhaps mine will do the same for you! It is still going on, but for LouLou's sake- I will give you the cliff note version.

1. Last minute Hawaiian vacation brought on by a brother-in-law's last minute cancellation & made possible by new boss who felt sorry for everything I had been thru the previous year!
2. Chance meeting at a condo complex that was only booked after the one called no longer offered "the special"
3. A continued firendship that only survived because each party wasn't interested in a relationship
4. Open & honest conversations that were the routine because they were over the phone- so there was no pretending
5, A move to the bay area because circumstances gave me no particular reason to stay where I was.
6. Telling the person most afraid of marriage that there was no reason for that piece of paper to prove commitment
7. An engagement ring presented in the Maui moonlight on the 3rd anniversary of the day we met
8. A call made by the Captain to each of my sisters to make sure they would come to a Hawaiian wedding the following year
9. A maui wedding on the 4th anniversary of the first meeting
10. almost 10 years since 1st walking barefoot, covered in flowers, & surrounded by the people who mean the most to us.
and it's only just begun ........................ wishing all of you a Lifetime of Love starting with today!

Happy Valentine's Eve

I believe my ducks are in a row.
Reservations for our cozy stay by the sea are confirmed (complete with fireplace & jacuzzi tub), a different wine for each night of our stay, new "love" flutes, romantic movies, chocolates, candles, potpourri for the tub, reservations at 2 ocean view restaurants, cards, and my mental state :o)
Whatever you choose for your celebration of love, make sure you include some serious and heartfelt strokes to the ego of your other half. Yes they want a little playfulness, yes they want some .... well .... whatever YOU call it in your bedroom- BUT everyone needs to hear how important they are to you- so BE SURE to tell them how smart they are, or inventive, creative, supportive, compassionate, romantic, nurturing, adoring, industrious, perserverent, loyal, thoughtful, protective, and/or mindblowingly consistant they are for you (honestly, I can cut & paste those words right into the next card I make for the captain) **Tell 'em & show 'em !!**
Romantic dinner for 2 85.00
Halmark card 3.49
4 kt tennis bracelet 2,399.00
a perfect single red rose 5.00
bread, wine & cheese on the beach 22.00
singing valentine 25.00
SL class Mercedes convertible 194,000.00
I LOVE YOU text .05
appreciation from the person you care about most ......... PRICELESS (and timeless)

Have a geeeeeerrrrrrrrreat weekend!

I am eating lots of spinach, but I am not getting stronger!?

I can't figure out why all these things that I have heard since childhood (and, OF COURSE believed) don't seem to really be true. How can this be??? I 'm not talking about the Easter bunny laying eggs, or that a fairy would pay me for a lost tooth. BUT COME ON .... now I find that the spinach I have been craving for the past 5 months has NOT made me stronger at all. I was never big on cooked carrots and I have great eyesight, but I just figured I was getting enough of them from the occassional relish tray while dining out. These recent moments of enlightenment have me taking a closer look at other childhood beliefs as well and I am getting more dis-illusioned by the day! I do find that it is STILL best to say nothing if you can't think of anything nice, but I have touched many a toad or frog (even the human variety) and not ever had a wart. Reading in dim light may give you a headache peraps, but it will not ruin your eyes any more than running around wearing gramma's glasses now & again, or sitting too close to the TV. If things such as this were really true, then my sister would surely be blind because of her new shower massage unit. Even though I agree that a smile is simply a frown turned upside down, it is false to believe that if you frown too often your face will stay that way permanently. It's obvious that bad things sometimes happen to good people, but do not try to convince me that good guys always finish last. I mostly am (good) and rarely have been (last). Having alcoholic parents has been medically proven to predispose children to the same, but eating too much candy doesn't cause cavities & 2 wrongs CAN INDEED make a right. (if you learn quick enough). Eating the crust of bread did not make my hair curly and an over abundancy of anything might give you a stomach ache, but you will not go flip-flop. Love often, but will not always, find a way- and it surly NOT conquer all. I remember being told that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but I have proved that wrong on more than one occassion. The Captain has shown me that eating candy before dinner in no way ruins his appetite and, might I add that same candy (along with lotsa pie, cake& cookies) does not necessarily make you fat. so .... while I am finding fault with those stories I heard in high school about girls getting pregnant from toilet seats , I'm still hoping that telling a lie won't really land me in a "hot spot" in the afterlife. Do you suppose there is a different fate if those mis-truths were white or light gray? I hope so.

taking the lead for love!

My Captain is, by far- the most romantic man I have ever known. He is every bit as considerate & thoughtful as the stuff you read about and MOST important of all - HE is real!! With the big "heart day" just around the corner ..... I told him that this year- I would do the research, do the decision making and more importantly, make all the arrangements for this year's Valentine's Day. He tries so hard (for most holidays) to make it more memorable than the year before so I gave him the year off and did the planning myself. He was a little surprised, but best of all- he seems almost relieved ! I finished the last of my part of the preparations today, so now it is just confirming & throwing somethings in a travel bag on Saturday. On Vday, the Captain is taking me to the "Honeymoon Cafe" for breakfast (a local hole in the wall we have not been to yet) and we will take it easy for the day and then head out for the real adventure on Sunday. I am feeling good about taking the pressure off of him, that's a bit of a gift to him already. Stay tuned for furter announcements, and I will let you know how it goes.

funny furry friends

these are the "things" I like sooooooooooooooooo much about my life:

1. my own espresso maker

2. an entire craft room to myself

3. the DVR

4. my digital camera (and I had to be talked into it!)

5. a convertible

6. a heater on my lanai

7. OK magazine subscription

8. my laptop

9. my barefoot pendant

10. MY 2 kitty kats

and NOT necessarily in THAT order !!

legal whoas

yes whoa(s) NOT woes ............. I wish I knew a lawyer (as a friend that is). I have questions. LOTSA questions.
I recently began watching "The Practice" regularly. In thinking about it- I realize I have, in the past, been drawn to JAG, Law & Order (and yes .... years ago, I watched LA Law). I watch, I argue the cases with them at times (silently of course), and I raise questions - some of which don't get addressed on these shows. There are gray areas that drive me crazy because I don't know the reasoning behind the rule or law. I think, if I was to return back in time- given what I know about myself now .... I would've gone to law school. But I didn't know myself when decisions like that should be made. I didn't know what I was capable of. I didn't know what I was made of. I didn't even realize I could make those kinds of choices. BUT, I MUST also state here & now - that if any of that would have kept me from being where I am in my life presently, then .... nevermind!
Would it be friend or foe (?) to be able to rewind & check out our options & their affects on our lives .... to simply click together our ruby slippers or snap our fingers to come & go into the past. dogonit, another unanswered question!

hair today .... gone tomorrow?

pantene, take me away ..... clairol give me strength.... loreal help me thru the weekend .....

I have had a couple of bad hair days in a row. that's not good. it makes me want to change something. sometimes that is the color, sometimes the style. change SOMETHING. Worst part about this is I am the ONLY one that thought they were bad hair days. actually, that's not even the right descriptor. Should be more like .... hair annoyance days. since this is the LONGEST span of time between bad hair days (or whatever) .... I shouldn't even be thinking of changing anything right now. What I need is a GOOD hair day tomorrow !! anti-frizz anti-tangle anti-disestablishmentarianism (ignore that one)

living vicariously thru Kristen!

I actually had to look the word vicarious up to MAKE SURE I was using it properly. So often, you (I) find out a word used for decades r-e-a-l-l-y means something different than my understanding! BUT NOT THIS TIME ,,,,,
Kristen McNamara is on American IDOL- having made it thru Hollywood week. There were only tiny portoles of her actual singing on the episode and unless I missed it entirely- they did not show her Kentucky auditioin. At any rate .... she survived Star search (although not unscathed) and Nashville Star ( more in her element it seemed) and now .... a little more mature & wise (for her sake) .... I hope she gets the opportunity she has been working toward. She was the catalyst for reuniting me & her mom after parting our Jr year of high school as best friends. She even dedicated a song to the 2 of us at one of her concerts. What a sweetie!
I'm with her tho ..(regarding some if the IDOL footage).... NO MORE DRAMA!!! ..... lets hear some MUSIC!!
and ..... it's fwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woo - hooooooooooooooo

ooops, I stepped in a poodle

it's soggy, wet, drizzling, the noise of it drowns out the sound on the TV& I need to use an umbrella just to dump the trash.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now, I just wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, so I could "appreciate" it!

P.S. (how's that one LouLou??)

these shoes are made for walking (or dancing, or sitting, or ...)

you can never have too many friends, or diamonds, or good days in a row, chocolate, free time, money, flowers, or .... need I say? shoes.
I popped on the radio in my car the other day, just in time to find one of the hosts on Cosmo Radio going on & on about the other host having "about" 28 pairs of shoes. The one confessing was (duh) female- the other was .... how do I say this ? For lack of a better word, a man! This program featured 3 people directing the conversation but with 2 guys and 1 gal, clearly the men were outnumbered (!) As it happened, one of the guys agreed with her that 28 is simply put- NOT THAT MANY (incidentally he had recently spent 400.00 on a wallet himself if that tells you anything) After a bit of bantering, where her explanations (all very valid) were falling on deaf ears, they took a few calls and (insert trumpets here please) every single caller had at least twice the amount of shoes themselves. WELL OF COURSE this stimulating subject persuaded me (5 days later) to take a look at my own closet(s). I am rather proud to say that about 3 years ago, upon a move & a job change .... I donated probably 20 pairs of shoes. I would also like to point out that you often hear people tell you to take what talk shows state -with a grain of salt (that is, those who don't agree with them) In this instance, I did find that the gal on the show's comment that most women will under estimate their shoe total by 20%, was indeed inacurate. (mine was closer to 30%) HOWEVER ...... I believe the program fell short. They just talked about numbers for the most part. They did not catagorize properly. Or even justify for that matter. FOR EXAMPLE- I have about 20 pair of flip flops ..... but those are not "real" shoes, so they don't count. And I didn't even include the pair that I have sitting at each exit from the house. Those are just momentary shields from the elements, not shoes- everyone knows that. I have 6 pair of athletic shoes, but since 2 of them are ONLY used for work & two others are for walking in water- then I REALLY only have 2 you see? I have 8 or 9 pairs of dance shoes. Those are not included in my total because they are ONLY USED for when I am on stage. That puts them under the radar you might say. Of the shoes in my regular closet .... 6 or so are black. Since there is NO SUCH THING as one black shoe that fits all seasons or pant length .... so they realistically count as a single pair. Shoes that have only one or two outfits that match- are not counted, and I don't include the 3 pairs of boots, because none have been worn in the last year! There are 5 or 6 pair of slip-ins that are sort of like flip flops because they are worn under the same circumstances, but I can compromise down the middle on those, rather than split hairs. The 4 pair that I had to buy in order to match 3 others I was singing in a quartet with, are certainly not part of the mix, because I didn't get to pick them out myself. And I think you would ALL agree that anything you get on sale for less than 10.00 a pair, is just fluff and not footwear. Of course everyone knows that slippers (18 pair) are not shoes at all since they can be shoved into a box all together and not even kept paired ..... well, enough said about them. So, while I would have estimated slightly lower (like the talk show claimed) I doooo admit reluctantly now that I have 30 pairs of shoes. BUT .... you'll agree I am sure that is just "not that many" !!!

rain, rain, don't go away!!

despite the amazingly beautiful weather we have had here at the beach for the past few weeks (it was 76 today), I soooooooo am ready for a good rain storm (not to mention how "ready" the land is). Around here it usually is warm enough to leave the sliders open even during the rain (as long as it isn't windy) so with a good rain ..... I love the sounds it brings. In fact I just ordered a rain chain to accentuate them! I am looking forward to putting on a stew or homemade soup, and going into my craft room (with my DVDs of "That Girl") My week is going even better than usual just thinking about it! It's movie time here at the castle so I am making this short tonight. If I can manage to keep my lids up later ....I have some bedside reading to start into too.

take time to smell the orchids ....

I FINALLY got off my scrap stool and did some gardening today. Of course it required getting up a little earlier than a normal Monday so that I could watch 3 episodes of "Damages" first. There are only a half dozen TV programs that I bother to schedule on the DVR .... but with all our travel lately - it put me waaaaay behind, so I feel like I have a TV hangover.
The (additional) beauty of my TV morning on a weekend, is that it's not uncommon for the Captain to bring me breakfast in bed (most of my shows are on the bedroom DVR) WOW, what a luxury! ANYWAY- it gave me plenty of energy to get out to enjoy the sunshine and do some grooming on my orchids. I have 3 pots left to work on- but they are sooooooo full of blooms that I have to wait for a few weeks to work on them .... and by the time I got to them, I was out of pots (for those I needs to split) and potting soil. I got plenty of exercise & lots of vitamin D too. It felt like a great accomplishment. It brings the number of pots to 24 now (and that will increse when I finish the rest of the plants) So, even though I didn't really "smell" them, I TOTALLY took the time to appreciate them!!

"grammie" NOT (!!) granny

having grandkids ...... priceless
HOWEVER, I do not want to be granny or a granny. I had one of those- who I loved with all my heart. She was the perf gramma. The fact that I was her favorite didn't hurt of course (maybe we each thought we were the favorite, which would make her truly perf). When my own mother asked my kids to refer to her as granny, I totally understood because I could see her being just as wonderful. And as true as that has been, I DO NOT feel the need to carry on the tradition. No disrespect intended, I just don't identify with the label for myself. Neither do I want to be called nana or mimi. They work well for others, just not me.
Sometimes I call my grandkids "rugrats" or "critters". Trust me, it is an endearing term when I say it. They are loving and always so funny. Above all, they are adorable .... and smart. Yeah, I know- everyone says that, but it's the truth. I am often impressed by 3 yr old Anthony's questions and he has an incredible

memory. He is inquisitive & I swear I can hear him thinking sometimes. If he is anything like his dad, he has already begun taking things apart to see how

they work (and it will take a few more years before he manages to get things put back together after disassembling!) Addy is much more mellow than her brother, but none the less- stubborn (and persistent) in her ways. Her smile goes a LONG way. This is everything it is talked up to be .... I only wish I had more time with them than I do. I want to get plenty of practice at the perfect grammie thing!

comfort food commentary

.......... certain foods evoke certain emotions. If that emotion is pivotal enough, that emotion never changes. Why am I bringing this up? I made an amazing bread pudding last night. Just smelling it gave me the warm fuzzies. Only problem is, I don't remember where those warm fuzzies are from. I think my mom used to make it, but I'm not sure. Mom- a darn good cook I might add. Her knack (or habit?) of making the same dish without it ever tasting the same way twice, may have come from using instinct to add a dash or a smidge or "about" this much .... rather than following a recipe line for line. That's rubbed off on me& drives my Caption nuts. "how do you do that?" he will ask. I just do. I just ....do. EVEN when I follow a recipe- I rarely manage to do EXACTLY as it dictates. Either I don't have a specific ingredient & need to substitute, or I'm in a hurry so I shortcut. Never had a disaster but, as with my mom, it usually doesn't taste the same twice! oilwell. but I seem to have digressed a bit here so ...... back to those emotional food triggers. Not only does it trigger good feelings, but sometimes not-so-good ones as well. SO- just as the mere thought of apricot cobbler brings me back to sitting on the warm linoleum in front of the wall heater in my granny's kitchen .... equally as strong, is the sour taste in the back of my throat when I think about the lime jello with cottage cheese in it that made me sick more than once. Slapping fresh cold cuts onto a piece of sourdough without any extra fixings- brings back quality time with my mom ... she would bring them home from work and sit with us at the kitchen table. Sloppy hamburgers late at night from the bowling alley grill that mom & dad would bring my brother & I after an evening of babysitting .... I would watch the clock for their arrival in excited anticipation (sometimes falling asleep while waiting). While the Captain remembers the TASTE of his emotionally triggered food- I remember the EMOTIONS I felt at the time. Not sure what that means .... although it seems like he builds up his expectations based on how he remembers things tasting as a youngster and it's hard to imagine anything could meet those expectations?! Of course now that I think about THAT- maybe it is what justifies why he KEEPS EATING. &TRYING, SEARCHING .... I thought he was just hungry! HA-HA. So, I suppose I'm wondering if there are any comfort foods that my kids will (or can) identify for themselves. I'll have to ask sometime! And with all this talk about food .... I think I'll have another dish of bread pudding!! as the song goes ...."thanks for the memories"