noise, squeals, burps, & hugs

it's been a GREAT weekend with the Evens' clan ... with weather agreeable enough for outdoor gaming, pirate shipping, eating meals on the lanai and talking.  lots & lots of talking.

 we sent mommy & daddy Evens off to a hotel on Saturday night.  With Chris spending the majority of the past 5 weeks on an off shore rig- most of the conversations between he & April were by phone call!  SO it was a chance for the 2 of them to recharge their couple batteries and have a conversation UNINTERUPTED by little people!

 the gaming was a family affair with the combination of team mates changing from time to time.  Some kite flying ... a kite flying itself and even a rescue of the kite when it decided suddenly NOT to fly suddenly.

a lot of "argh-ing" and "ahoy mateys" were heard during this 2 hours PIRATE-OPOLY game this afternoon.  I believe there were some of the challenges to earn or collect booty included pretending to have a pegleg, walking the plank, and giving high hooks!  Anthony victoriously ended the game just ahead of young princess Addyson.

I didn't study for my test !

I have a test tomorrow, and I didn't study for it.
Truth be told ... there are several people who would gladly take it for me if they had been able.  Perhaps then, there would have been a greater chance of passing.
But that's not an option.
It appears that I would have needed to start studying many months ago- long before we even knew there was going to be a test at all.
I hate it when my clairvoyant senses are clogged.  That must be the reason.
Since SirBil took this test barely over a year ago ... I never guessed they would be giving it to me as well.  How did they know I wouldn't know all the answers from his study sheet??
As a teenager, I was good at tests.
As an adult, not so much.  I know enough to be nervous.
And scared.
This is a big one.  If I flunk, it will affect the rest of my life.
If I flunk, there may not be a rest of my life.
I have a pill I can take for performance anxiety.  It helps me breath easier.
I need a pill that will keep me breathing for a lot longer than I dare hope for.
I need a pill that will help me hope period!
Maybe they will grade on a curve ... and no one has studied at all.
I'll hope for that !!

one year later ... & a new reason to grieve

this was a good day.  months from a diagnosis that would take you from us.  over a year from a diagnosis that now threatens to take me as well.

One year ago today, we delivered you into the arms of your sweetheart.  it is where you had longed to be for over 5 years already.  whether you waited to be with her for our sake, or your own .. I will never know.  but thank you.

what a shock we had one spring day last year when tests revealed you had pancreatic cancer.  our fear & surprise was only outweighed by yours I'm sure.  I have to admit though .. a repeat of that diagnosis landing in my lap just a few days ago, was a greater shock yet.  With the happiness I've enjoyed since meeting your son ... I've occasionally worried about getting older and not having enough time with him Not having the full life with him, had we met earlier in our younger years.  More than once he reminded me that we were still young & we were surely NOT the same people as we would have been many years ago ... and likely would NOT have been together for that reason (yeah, there's that logic) So- I would think about the ages of each of our parents when we lost them and realized that having NOT made some of the health mistakes they made ... I not only had til my 80's .. but perhaps even longer yet!  It would allow me to go months before thinking about it again.  and then .....
The unthinkable, the unimaginable, the now undeniable truth crashed into our world like a meteor out of control.  And what came to mind first was that your diagnosis was presented in May ... my Dr appt that would lead to my diagnosis was also in May.  barely 2 months later, you were gone ... and for me, that eventuality is still unfolding.
 I am, at times ... calm and resigned to whatever I am told to expect, BUT do not mistake this for giving up.  I grow indifferent to the growing number of people praying for me, but it doesn't mean I've given up such spiritual moments of my own.  For now, it's still a waiting game.  But in a matter of days- I am likely to know the full spectrum of this cancer that threatens to envelope me.
It is clear that bad things happen to good people.  Even if I wasn't the latter ... certainly there are many this will affect that are!  As much as I love & miss you Pa (and your companions) ... I'm not ready to join you.  I'm just not sure if any of that matters.  For now- I hope to be given the knowledge & resources to make this easier on all those who are fighting for me.  I'm not asking for that full lifetime I used to hope for- but please, PLEASE give me time to do & say some very important things!

anxiety & hunger pangs

I'm sitting in a hotel room ... waiting
One would think that as a female, as a mother, as a human being ... I would be somehow be used to waiting.  I wait every day.  For the coffee pot to heat up, for the dryer to signal, for the printer to finish, yatta, yatta, yatta
For these things I wait ... without complaint, without a thought.
Today's wait, and all the waiting I have been doing in connection with this these past few days ... thought has been what makes the waiting so difficult!  Waiting gives me time to think.
So here I am (again) .. til it's time to go someplace else & wait again, which will take us to a time where we know we will be waiting more.  By then, I will not be better at waiting, but likely far worse at it.
As for the hunger pangs .. I am getting pretty darn good at waiting those out ... as I have dealt with them a few times lately as well.
I often use the phrase "it is what it is" a great deal when dealing with quartet & chorus singing, & perhaps it applies here as well at the moment.  There is no point to wasting time trying to fix that which I have no control over.  Hmmm .... I feel better already.  (NOT)

Silly little things I love ...

I like it when life is simple.
schedules loose
clocks un-noticed
But there are things... unimportant things ... that I love.  Things I can do without, and often do.  Things that don't necessarily cost time or money needed elsewhere.  Things that are not even ... things ... some times!  In no special order or level of significance.  None of them will surprise those who know me best.
     having my coffee in the color or style of mug/cup I'm in the mood for
     smelling Larry's rose blooms on my way to the mailbox
     THICK, dense foam on my coffee
     the smell of the dryer running (Gain sheets ... ummm)
     children giggling
     sunshine on the lanai
     doves cooing
     the cover of EVERY Coastal Living magazine
     the warmth, sight, & crackling of a fire (particularly Danno's)
     having an IPAD cover of whatever color I am craving at the moment
     pretty packaging ... I don't even have to open it or have it be mine .. I just love the sight!
     little kitty laying on the bed next to me & reaching out to touch my nose with her paw
     lemon blossoms
     the sound of our fountain
     watching ocean waves
     the San Luis Lighthouse foghorn at night
     Anthony or Addyson crawling into bed with me (after 7am!!!)
     being in a scrap "zone"
     reading my kindle
     surfing the web in the middle of the night
     taking pictures of anything, nothing, everything
     my UPS man- Harold (always cheerful & courteous)
     scent pods (thank you SOW)
     star gazing
     Hawaii- even if only in pictures!
     when I see the 201 or 342 prefix on an incoming call
     the wind catcher in DJ's yard
     deep thick bubble in a hot bath
     pedicures that don't tickle
     Boo coming to greet me
     holiday music
     true friendships (priceless)
     unexpected good news

This day has many hours ahead to enjoy and I shall do just that RIGHT NOW.


   

Never let go

I'm growing more accustomed to those senior moments that used to piss me off (don't bother to pardon my french).  They happen so frequently now, that it is part of my personality to make an extra trip up or down the stairs, into the garage or out to the storage room.  On a mission to grab something, I get to my destination & find my attention snared by something I was looking for weeks ago, or my energy loaned out to tidy up- and I end up returning to my original project or chore, wondering where I left off- which of course leads me to what I actually left for to begin with.  Once upon a time, there may have been a "ha-rumph" of frustration heard at that point. These days, I see it as #1 ... an exercise program, or #2 ... multi-tasking!  Well, in an abstract sort of way ... really.  These specks of time no longer upset me .. for they're only just that... specks of time in my day, and what did it hurt?

BUT- it gives me reason to ponder (duh) ... that things just seconds ago have disappeared, at least momentarily, and yet ..... other snippets of conversation or split seconds caught on glossy paper- are etched on my mind in such a way that I can literally feel the emotion it first evoked ... an instant replay of the smile (sometimes giggle) returns.  vividly.
SOME of these brain visions (as I refer to them) are pivotal or turning points ... like the day my twin sisters were born.  2 months early, & being a surprise that there was even TWINS at all.  The birth of my own 2 sons ... clear as the nose on my face (?), the night their dad told me he wanted "out" (the stab in my chest), holding my grandchild for the first time (I melted), watching the last breath my father took(a pain& sight I never want to relive), and ... go figure- the first time I fed a giraffe (this list goes on & on). Yet- a great deal of the snapshots that pop in & out on a regular basis are silly moments, memorable only to me (??) The intentional wrong pronunciation of a word that then takes on an alternate meaning, the look on someone's face at a particular moment, the position my cats sleep in (as you can witness here), the ever-available smile on the Captain's face.(ditto) THESE are things I enjoy over & over in my mind .. that somehow manage to tip toe all the way to my heart in nano seconds at any given time.   And sometimes ... particularly when there are other things less pleasant going on ... these are the pictures that I never want to let go of.  THESE are the snippits, moments, nano seconds, instants,  specks, and brain visions I want to rewind & replay ... over & over.
Excuse me for a moment ....I'm having one now.