what I hear in the silence of night

The Captain and I share a LOT of our thoughts and fears with each other.  I open up (routinely) to each of my sisters.  My friends Lois & Julie have heard portions of my tear filled fears on occasion.  Even my Dr gets a sniffly dose from time to time.  But NO ONE gets it all.  NO one person hears every thing I think about, every time I think about them.  No one.
There are those who praise me for my strength & optimism.  Praise that seems unwarranted to me.  It's probably more an avoidance of the situation VS the former adjectives.  I accept the compliments as gracefully as one can, considering I'm not sure what it is I say or do that prompts them.  Some days are easier to "live" than others.  Some days, I do feel like I'm simply surviving that particular day.  I avoid "wishing" things were different.  I still tend, however,  to compare my life  "before and after" my diagnosis.  My wanting to SCREAM out loud in anger has disappeared.  But I don't see any of these things as courageous in any way.   From past experiences, I have learned that there are some things, circumstances, & events that we have ABSOLUTELY no control over.  No matter how good or bad we are as human beings.  No matter how smart, or kind, or anything.  Sometimes, it is ALL out of our hands ..... EXCEPT- how we respond to them.  How we react.  How we move on.  And for a while, we don't realize we have control even there.  This is where I take my thoughts whenever I can ... to the things, the people, the experiences I still have time for.  The memories I can still add to the photo-bank in my head and heart.  And who knows .... maybe tonight I will go out on to the lanai in my jammie pants and slippers, instead of pausing at the window or crawling immediately back into bed.  MAYBE.

R-E-A-L housewife .... IS THERE one such thing??

This is NOT the first time I've used RH as the subject of my blog (and likely not the last) ...  I make no bones about the fact that I am enslaved to what they might do or say next.  They amuse me!  I'm neither embarrassed, nor do I feel a need to justify using space on my DVR to record the show.  Let's face it, it's a cheap thrill.
The cast as a whole is still a head scratcher to me.  I have the occasional jaw drop, I've added my unsolicited opinion to their conversations,  my eyes roll, and yes ... I laugh (out loud) during each and every episode.  I have allegiance to none, although more interest in some than others.  Some are an enigma to me.  In their arguments, they are  surprised how one or more of them have changed through a circumstance or season...but as an observer outside the circle, I find that the basics of what makes each of the personalities what they are ... they haven't really changed at all.  Those that lash, those that grudge, those that avoid, those put on aires ..... still do, although PERHAPS not as seamlessly as they once did- since they've all been called out on it at some time or another.  Can I find one good thing about each of them?  probably.  Could I find one thing I find interesting about each of them. definitely.  Do I identify with any one of them?  not really.  Is there one of them in particular that I would choose to meet if given the opportunity?  YES.  (any guesses??)  Do I have enough in common to at least carry on a two sided conversation for more than a few minutes?  I DON'T KNOW!!!  - but OH ... how I would LOVE to sit on the sidelines for a few days to watch & listen.  That would be a once in a lifetime experience I could totally go for!!
THIS IS NOT the learning channel.  the discovery channel.  National Geographic, or family TV ... but it sizzles like a cooking show.  It heats up or ices down like a weather station.  It's the soap opera of Beverly Hills life.  And boy oh boy, it repeats history the way only human beings can do so well!! BRING ON THE REUNION!!!

NEW old friends, and remembering what you never even forgot!

SATURDAY was really a beautiful day, a great day in fact ......  for a lot of different reasons and, on several levels.  Since it's late, and I am nearing need of a well-deserved restful night's sleep- I'm going to keep it simple and elaborate ONLY on the group pictured here.
Varner, Peachee, Kyker, & Varner
Varner, Peachee, Varner, & Kyker
We were but acquaintances for the most part in high school, but you would not have known it from the comfort & length of the conversation we shared this day.
Relaxed, comfortable, filling ..... friendly !
On my doorstep at 11am ... and out the door somewhere 3+ hours later (I think).  There were no lengthy silences or loss of commonality - it was girl talk, woman talk, people talk- for the entire time.  I admit, we didn't even approach the problems of the world...but it was important & informative just the same, and I think we all enjoyed it equally.
The fact that the weather was perfect and complimentary to ANYTHING we could possibly have had to say is far beyond the point .... but it DID make a good day, a great one.  We'd originally planned more of an outing than my body could handle, but these ladies took it all in stride and good humor and the simplicity of just sitting and chatting was  openly welcomed by all.  I thank them for that. (and more) It's pretty heartwarming to know there are people who are happy with just spending a little time with others and not needing a particular reason or excuse, other than to just share space for a while.  I know there are probably a lot of people like this ... and AMAZINGLY, I am near-constantly surrounded by such people, but it still is a lovely and comforting gesture.  Our lives can become so congested and busy, that we forget how valuable or important a few minutes of conversation can be in a person's life.
Thank you ladies ... for your travel & your time.  Your stories full of humor & experience.  Your happy dispositions & thankful attitudes.  Thank you for all of it !!  YOU ARE what helped make a good day..... GREAT!

Schokoladenkuchen (and I mean it!!!)

I've found the word!
I can't freely pronounce it (it doesn't roll off my tongue just yet)
I certainly can't spell it without thinking about each and every syllable
But it is the word ....

When I am at wits end, frustrated, fit to be tied, about to blow, at the end of my rope, or just plain pissed off (pardon my french mom) .... THIS will be my word!
(well, that is as soon as I get it quickly from my mental filing cabinet, to the front of my language center, and onto the tip of my tongue!!)
Schokoladenkuchen !! 
I will proclaim with great ferocity, and my innards will calm.....  

I "give" you it's meaning here ... but to those unsuspecting.... I will SOOOOOO be feared! (haha)

THX Foo

(de)constructive criticism

APPARENTLY... I have crossed the line.  I've been called on the carpet.  I've been made accountable. I have to face the music.  I've talked the talk and now I have to walk the walk (on the plank).   ???, you ask?  Confused?  (I am)
bottom line ..... constructive criticism ONLY works or helps for those open to reconstruction.  In the course of my job.... I have managed, according to the .1 VS 99.9%, the total destruction of her confidence.  I immediately addressed her email to me with sentences full of sincere apology of my actions....as I would NEVER purposely direct comments meant to demean or deflate someone.

On one hand.... I feel really terrible that she feels terrible.  On the other hand (I think the left one), she went on to point out things I have done wrong in the past that are totally unrelated to the supposed purpose of her email.  On one hand, I am TOTALLY appreciative that she pointed out the affect my words had on her, but on that left hand again - that is why I was asked to do what it is I am doing.  I have worlds of experience in a field in which she is a newborn.

ALL THIS being said ... I will have a different approach when I return to my post, which (unfortunately) will be one of completely avoiding any suggestions in her direction- regardless of it's intent for the good of the group.  There may be an "I" in her spelling of team that I was not previously aware of.  AND .... I could be wrong.  (it happens)

While I am still scratching my head over this one... I'm sure life will soon give me something far more important to worry about in it's stead (she even pointed out that my illness is no excuse for my behavior?!)  SO even though it's bugging me at the moment, I have more pressing things in my life to give attention to... like, "what's for dinner Captain?"

WARNING .. Levels of effervescent witticism could be on the rise

when there are times when I'm not feeling so funny.  when the pain in my body pulls my thoughts and emotions so far inward that my words are limited and my smile seems tattoo'd on, those around me are at a loss.  Through the months since my cancer diagnosis, I've gone through changes above & beyond those visually obvious.  This "sentence" has changed my priorities.  Chemo has changed my taste buds.  The drugs, the routine - have changed ME.  In a physical way to be sure ... but also in an emotional way.  How could it not?  I am not quite as cheerful.  Not quite as silly.  Not quite as optimistic.
BUT I AM ... still VERY thankful & appreciative
of every moment, every day, every little memory or adventure I am able to wrack up- until too much changes me.
I'm not giving up- I am simply giving in to the changes I don't have as much control over as I wish I did.  

BETTER than onomatopoeia !!

ken

ken/

noun

1. 1.

   one's range of knowledge or sight.

   "such determination is beyond my ken"

   synonyms:

   knowledge, awareness, perception, vision, understanding, grasp,comprehension, realization, appreciation, consciousness More

verb

SCOTTISHN. ENGLISH

1. 1.

   know.

   "d'ye ken anyone who can boast of that?"

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   as the Captain and I awaited the arrival of our Lil Bits breakfast entree's ... he was reading the newspaper, with an occasional glance in my direction as I played a game of Words With Friends (I usually have 25-30 games in progress).  I mentioned to him that it was surprising that so many "names" were acceptable words-and pointed out that his name was one of them.  OF COURSE that prompted him to look up it's meaning (above).  This definition is the spitting image of my husband ... SO MUCH SO that the dictionary should have his picture parked next to it!!

   
   

   I'm aware that there are parents-to-be that take a great deal of time choosing names for their meanings... beit numerology, family origins, or it's rhythm or appearance with the last name.  In this case ... his parents "just liked" the name.  But MAN-O-MAN... how could they have nailed it any better(????)  I'm STILL trying to wrap my head around it myself!