a letter to the angel in my heart ....

red, white & blue night ...

I admit ... when I first thought of the title for this post- I had been crying and feeling anxious ... I expect that the white was either the tissue I was using ... or the light I was looking for at the end of the tunnel .... I'm not sure now.  The ideas or words, or thoughts wander in & out of my mind shaped like trails of ivy ... tugging at a worry here, snagging on a concern there ... so unless I make a conscious effort to clip off a piece, fertilize it with some time, & think about it ... I may not get back to solving or soothing what ever is ailing me!  The boys started watching a western and I migrated out to the lanai to check out the moon and have since parked myself here in awe of the Captains decorating endeavors of the afternoon.  This brought a new, cheerier & preferred meaning to the R,W & Blue title ..... as I look out over the back yard at the rope lights lining the fence ... and the glorious flag gently waving in the spotlight that will keep it illuminated for the next few days.  We are a household of proud (and thankful) Americans, and tonight ... that's just a little more evident than usual.

adorable AND talented

It was a challenge to get Haley in front of the camera with much more than a grimace ... but young Kasey not only grinned regularly ... but was up to the task of creating some unique poses as well.  AHHH, to be young & limber again!!

all quiet on this western front

once again ... we are down to the sound of our own voices, an occassional meow, and the coo-coo clock signalling the time of day.  Gone is the glow from Haley's 16 hr a day computer screen.  Absent is the Kasey giggle.  Already missed is the daily Lori bear hug.  The departure of the trio has brought the felines out of semi hiding, the dishwasher back to it's bi-weekly run, and a rest for the hot water heater.  Our family outing to the Melodrama last night brought laughter & chatter, but soon after arriving home, everyone had retired to their rooms- save for Lori & I who managed to squeak out a little extra time together.  By the time we finally hugged for the last time (after a few "goodnight" false starts)... our eyes were weak from tears and the late hour (for the 4th night in a row).  Her presence here allowed the Captain & I to spend a couple of leisurely hours over a massive breakfast at the Seaside Cafe this morning.... something I've been looking forward to for a while.  For now- it will mean less dishes in the sink, fewer cans in recycling, more naps for Sirbil and my beginning preparations for the upcoming 4th of July celebration with the O'Brien & Franco households. 

honoring those who honor others ( in my own little way)

this morning .... after a long, late night girl chat with my "soul daughter", Lori- it somehow seemed ever so appropriate to drink my morning java from a DC cup today ... in her honor.  She & her youngins are here to visit with Papa ... all the way from VA.  I call her my soul daughter because if I had popped one out myself ... she would have been Lori (or so I certainly wish).  We have much in common, and I often wish we lived closer so our visits weren't so far between.  SHE- in turn, is here to honor her grampa.  She has always kept in contact with him & doted on him when given the opportunity.  SHE is a good kid!! (?)  SHE is one of my favorite people. 
I'm sitting on the lanai at the moment- in the glow of the evening's tender sunset ... and relishing in the fact that we have been gifted with a lot of family visits of late.  Or, more aptly put, that Pa has been gifted.  Since his travel plans are tentative as to the departure date ... he's making good use of his time and energy, visiting with some of the people who mean the most to him.  This probably helps to keep him from dwelling on whether or not he is ready to take his trip.  We have assured him that there is no specific time for him to be ready ... the limo will pick him up whenever he gives the thumbs up.  He mentioned a dream recently that might be indicating that mom is getting a little anxious to see him ... but even she understands he has things yet to do,  & he'll be along a little later.  He's never been one to rush ... so being allowed to take whatever time he needs to gather up his memories & thoughts is more comfortable for him.  And we'll keep the company coming as long as he's enjoying it!!

the simple fact is.....

SOMETIMES-
encouragement, hope, energy, a smile, softening of the heart, thoughtfulness, friendship, apologies, encouragment, concern, delight, forgiveness, fulfillness, perfection, cheer, serenity, creativity, generosity, understanding, or ?? 
COMES FROM a cupcake !! 
(thx JDO'B)

I'll have a double!

SOMETIMES ... I like something so much, I have more than one, I'll have seconds, I'll do it a 2nd time, I'll repeat it.    So here you go- I think these flip flops are so cute, that I have ANOTHER pair just like them in the other room!!!

striking while the iron is hot!

It would seem that a person would IRON while the iron is hot ...

but since that is not how the saying goes ... we'll go with the usual connotation with regard to getting Sirbil out & about!  If you gear him up ... that is give him a little warning ahead ... he is able to muster up the energy & positive attitude toward getting out for a couple of hours or so.  Food always seems to be a good incentive for such an event nowadays!  He & the Captain used to routinely make errand runs round & about FRANK's Famous Dogs, to allow a lunch there every couple of weeks or so.  Up til now, it's just been "their thing".  I'm not a weenie person (per say) ... as the cup would indicate, but times being what they are, I thought it was a good suggestion by the Captain!!  Once again ... you made a great choice  :o)

OMG- pa devoured his bacon-cheese dog faster than I managed my mustard-relish counterpart.. and probably ate more fries than I as well!!  All that backseat driving must have worked up a heck of an appetite!  GOOD FOR HIM.  These days, he tends to snack throughout the day, so seeing him chomp down with gusto was a welcomed surprise.  (as was the fact that I enjoyed the dog!!)  It was a great way to get errands completed and enjoy the sunny day with 2 great fellas.  Thanks guys.

apparently- some opinions just don't count!

Many years ago- the Captain claimed that everytime he has a "favorite"  something-er-other ... they stop making or selling it.  I told him at the time, he was taking it too personally.  A few years later, the Captain complained that everytime he finds something he REALLY likes, they stop selling or making it.  By this time- he had bought duplicates of some items ... just in case they ever stop making it! (and they did).  I suggested he try something similar in taste or style, he might like it just as much.  About a year ago, the Captain complained that everytime he really enjoys something, they stop making or selling it.  Since then ... he's made exhausting internet searches & ordered some things by the case ... perhaps 2 or 3 times, before it's no longer available.  A couple of days ago- I TOLD THE CAPTAIN that when he decides he's particualrly fond of something ... don't tell anyone .... because it appears that when "they" find out, they stop making or selling it!!!!!

what dreams may come .....

Sirbil mentioned his dream of the other night ... about how Mom Betty encouraged him to come with her.  The surroundings were someplace they had visited together a very long time ago.  (probably 50 yrs back!)  It's the first time he's told me about a dream where he actually went with her.  Before- he's seen her or seen a situation ... but not actually gone with her.  If one is to interpret this literally, it's pretty obvious ... but is there more to it?  Pa is, indeed, struggling these days.  What was once the simplist of tasks is exhausting, if even possible.  I can only imagine what he might be thinking about in those times I see him staring off into space.  When I look over & he's holding his head in his hands.  Perhaps thinking about all the "use it or lose it" lectures when he was able to do most anything he wanted, but didn't like putting the effort into it- & probably wishing we'd just leave him alone.  It doesn't seem all that long ago when he would drive off to the grocery store on his own & I would give him a bad time about the contents of his Scolari's bag.  candy, cookies, muffins, ice cream, soda, 2 bananas & and apple. Does he wish he'd have been a little more diligent with his physical therapy & breathing exercises?  I don't know.  Has he instead, hastened his departure from our company, subconsciously or not?  I don't know.  Is mom tugging at him? 
I really don't know.
What do I know?  I know he is tired.  I know he is tired of being tired.  I know he's a little scared.  Not of what is ultimate ... but of the how & when.  I would be.  I know we have a lot of great memories of his time alone with him these 5 years +.  I know he's a good man who's done a lot of good things.  I know he misses mom desperately (and vise versa).  I know we've done a pretty good job of showing him how cherished he is to us.  These things I know.
What happens next?  Once again, I don't know.  I can't answer the questions he is beginning to raise, though sometimes by unspoken word.  I know I love him dearly.  I know that he knows this.
But there is much I do not know .... and like him, it scares me a little too.

the dawn's early light ... and me

It's just after 5am as I sit down to tap at this keyboard and I am bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Well, I'm fudging on the bright eyed part ... probably a little bloodshot at this point.  I've been vertical for a few minutes, restless for an hour before that, tossing & turning for a timeless period prior as well.  why?  hmmm.  I'm not sleeping well these days.  menopause. alignment of the planets. coffee.  life.  who knows.  Usually, come 3pm or so, my body revolts and I get in a solid 30-40 minutes of the best snooze time.  For now- no pillow seems cool enough against my cheek, no kitty kat snuggly enough, no view of the ocean enough comfort to me to give me a restful night's sleep .... but I know this too shall pass.  eventually.  I've yo-yo'd back to the computer here a few times.  adding items to the grocery list while they are present in mind, feeding the cats, nuking my coffee .... but I think I'm settled here for now.  Traffic sounds light this morning, not sure why. With summer beach bunnies in full residence 24-7, it's usually hoppin'  The air is cool this morning, just this side of chilly, and I've sparked the patio heater to give me a cozy atmosphere for however long I'm happily self-banished to the lanai where I'm perched.  The birds are chirping merrily, & I choose to see that as a sunny day forecast.  I caught a glimpse of a doe & her young fawn a few minutes ago .. but I guess they had an early appt, as they didn't stick around for as long as usual. The innerds of the household are still quiet & dark, save for the glow of the nightlight in the hallway & the first shade pulled aside... and all of this is comforting to me.  So is having a little "me" time.   I've been lacking in that of late.  It's partially because of the changing atmosphere in paradise, with the balance attributed to thoughts of what lies ahead.  it's difficult not to wander there mentally & emotionally.  I have a significant circle of mental caregivers (friends offering a shoulder or an ear), but even in all my mature wisdom(?), I find it difficult to seek, or even appear to need help.  It's too ingrained to change now I suppose .... but at least I recognize the signs before my psychy sends up flares.  Places where I went to escape my thoughts are temporarily closed, so I've been knocking on virtual doors, but so far- I've not figured out the password for entry.  Perhaps it will suddenly come to me in a dream or during one of my midnight tubfests.
   We had anticipated guests' arrivals today that has been postponed due to sniffles.  With Pa's immune system compromised ... that can be precarious.  I'm not sure if what I feel is relief or disappointment.  There is a cloak of numbness that creeps up now & again that I usually vacuum or scrub through.  I wish it were treadmilling or kayaking it's way toward the light, but that's not the case.  LOSING my parents gained me 15# in the last year ... doesn't seem quite fair if you ask me.  It's another indication that God is a man ...   And now, with the morning light in full bloom, I'm going to look for something constructive to accomplish (or eat) and get on with my day.  Hump Hump to all.

Father's Day is an unnecessary excuse to celebrate

With the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer hanging over his full head of beautiful white hair ... Pa's mindset is to spend time with family as much as his energy permits, and so far he has been doing a great job of it.  With all the coming & going of late ... he's had a couple of tougher days, but for the most part- he has been social & gracious.
TODAY- being Father's Day ... we took our clues from him as far as how much to do or not to do, and found that it was a quiet but respectful way to honor him.  What do you give a man who's needs are met on a daily basis?  What do you say to someone you tell & show your appreciation for on a regularly?  How do you approach a Father's Day ... knowing that a year from now, you will celebrate only the spirit of the man who sits before you now?  Well- if you ask him, he'd say he doesn't need or want a thing ... but in our hearts, we know that he will surely accept an extra hug for the day, and not mind at all if we tell him how much we love & respect him.  And we will do just that today. (and tomorrow, & as many days as we still have with him)  We celebrate every day with him.  We celebrate that he smiled, or finished another novel, or remembered to shave!!  In other words .....  Every day is reason to celebrate.   
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY PaPa !