one year later ... & a new reason to grieve

this was a good day.  months from a diagnosis that would take you from us.  over a year from a diagnosis that now threatens to take me as well.

One year ago today, we delivered you into the arms of your sweetheart.  it is where you had longed to be for over 5 years already.  whether you waited to be with her for our sake, or your own .. I will never know.  but thank you.

what a shock we had one spring day last year when tests revealed you had pancreatic cancer.  our fear & surprise was only outweighed by yours I'm sure.  I have to admit though .. a repeat of that diagnosis landing in my lap just a few days ago, was a greater shock yet.  With the happiness I've enjoyed since meeting your son ... I've occasionally worried about getting older and not having enough time with him Not having the full life with him, had we met earlier in our younger years.  More than once he reminded me that we were still young & we were surely NOT the same people as we would have been many years ago ... and likely would NOT have been together for that reason (yeah, there's that logic) So- I would think about the ages of each of our parents when we lost them and realized that having NOT made some of the health mistakes they made ... I not only had til my 80's .. but perhaps even longer yet!  It would allow me to go months before thinking about it again.  and then .....
The unthinkable, the unimaginable, the now undeniable truth crashed into our world like a meteor out of control.  And what came to mind first was that your diagnosis was presented in May ... my Dr appt that would lead to my diagnosis was also in May.  barely 2 months later, you were gone ... and for me, that eventuality is still unfolding.
 I am, at times ... calm and resigned to whatever I am told to expect, BUT do not mistake this for giving up.  I grow indifferent to the growing number of people praying for me, but it doesn't mean I've given up such spiritual moments of my own.  For now, it's still a waiting game.  But in a matter of days- I am likely to know the full spectrum of this cancer that threatens to envelope me.
It is clear that bad things happen to good people.  Even if I wasn't the latter ... certainly there are many this will affect that are!  As much as I love & miss you Pa (and your companions) ... I'm not ready to join you.  I'm just not sure if any of that matters.  For now- I hope to be given the knowledge & resources to make this easier on all those who are fighting for me.  I'm not asking for that full lifetime I used to hope for- but please, PLEASE give me time to do & say some very important things!