noise, squeals, burps, & hugs

it's been a GREAT weekend with the Evens' clan ... with weather agreeable enough for outdoor gaming, pirate shipping, eating meals on the lanai and talking.  lots & lots of talking.

 we sent mommy & daddy Evens off to a hotel on Saturday night.  With Chris spending the majority of the past 5 weeks on an off shore rig- most of the conversations between he & April were by phone call!  SO it was a chance for the 2 of them to recharge their couple batteries and have a conversation UNINTERUPTED by little people!

 the gaming was a family affair with the combination of team mates changing from time to time.  Some kite flying ... a kite flying itself and even a rescue of the kite when it decided suddenly NOT to fly suddenly.

a lot of "argh-ing" and "ahoy mateys" were heard during this 2 hours PIRATE-OPOLY game this afternoon.  I believe there were some of the challenges to earn or collect booty included pretending to have a pegleg, walking the plank, and giving high hooks!  Anthony victoriously ended the game just ahead of young princess Addyson.

I didn't study for my test !

I have a test tomorrow, and I didn't study for it.
Truth be told ... there are several people who would gladly take it for me if they had been able.  Perhaps then, there would have been a greater chance of passing.
But that's not an option.
It appears that I would have needed to start studying many months ago- long before we even knew there was going to be a test at all.
I hate it when my clairvoyant senses are clogged.  That must be the reason.
Since SirBil took this test barely over a year ago ... I never guessed they would be giving it to me as well.  How did they know I wouldn't know all the answers from his study sheet??
As a teenager, I was good at tests.
As an adult, not so much.  I know enough to be nervous.
And scared.
This is a big one.  If I flunk, it will affect the rest of my life.
If I flunk, there may not be a rest of my life.
I have a pill I can take for performance anxiety.  It helps me breath easier.
I need a pill that will keep me breathing for a lot longer than I dare hope for.
I need a pill that will help me hope period!
Maybe they will grade on a curve ... and no one has studied at all.
I'll hope for that !!

one year later ... & a new reason to grieve

this was a good day.  months from a diagnosis that would take you from us.  over a year from a diagnosis that now threatens to take me as well.

One year ago today, we delivered you into the arms of your sweetheart.  it is where you had longed to be for over 5 years already.  whether you waited to be with her for our sake, or your own .. I will never know.  but thank you.

what a shock we had one spring day last year when tests revealed you had pancreatic cancer.  our fear & surprise was only outweighed by yours I'm sure.  I have to admit though .. a repeat of that diagnosis landing in my lap just a few days ago, was a greater shock yet.  With the happiness I've enjoyed since meeting your son ... I've occasionally worried about getting older and not having enough time with him Not having the full life with him, had we met earlier in our younger years.  More than once he reminded me that we were still young & we were surely NOT the same people as we would have been many years ago ... and likely would NOT have been together for that reason (yeah, there's that logic) So- I would think about the ages of each of our parents when we lost them and realized that having NOT made some of the health mistakes they made ... I not only had til my 80's .. but perhaps even longer yet!  It would allow me to go months before thinking about it again.  and then .....
The unthinkable, the unimaginable, the now undeniable truth crashed into our world like a meteor out of control.  And what came to mind first was that your diagnosis was presented in May ... my Dr appt that would lead to my diagnosis was also in May.  barely 2 months later, you were gone ... and for me, that eventuality is still unfolding.
 I am, at times ... calm and resigned to whatever I am told to expect, BUT do not mistake this for giving up.  I grow indifferent to the growing number of people praying for me, but it doesn't mean I've given up such spiritual moments of my own.  For now, it's still a waiting game.  But in a matter of days- I am likely to know the full spectrum of this cancer that threatens to envelope me.
It is clear that bad things happen to good people.  Even if I wasn't the latter ... certainly there are many this will affect that are!  As much as I love & miss you Pa (and your companions) ... I'm not ready to join you.  I'm just not sure if any of that matters.  For now- I hope to be given the knowledge & resources to make this easier on all those who are fighting for me.  I'm not asking for that full lifetime I used to hope for- but please, PLEASE give me time to do & say some very important things!

anxiety & hunger pangs

I'm sitting in a hotel room ... waiting
One would think that as a female, as a mother, as a human being ... I would be somehow be used to waiting.  I wait every day.  For the coffee pot to heat up, for the dryer to signal, for the printer to finish, yatta, yatta, yatta
For these things I wait ... without complaint, without a thought.
Today's wait, and all the waiting I have been doing in connection with this these past few days ... thought has been what makes the waiting so difficult!  Waiting gives me time to think.
So here I am (again) .. til it's time to go someplace else & wait again, which will take us to a time where we know we will be waiting more.  By then, I will not be better at waiting, but likely far worse at it.
As for the hunger pangs .. I am getting pretty darn good at waiting those out ... as I have dealt with them a few times lately as well.
I often use the phrase "it is what it is" a great deal when dealing with quartet & chorus singing, & perhaps it applies here as well at the moment.  There is no point to wasting time trying to fix that which I have no control over.  Hmmm .... I feel better already.  (NOT)

Silly little things I love ...

I like it when life is simple.
schedules loose
clocks un-noticed
But there are things... unimportant things ... that I love.  Things I can do without, and often do.  Things that don't necessarily cost time or money needed elsewhere.  Things that are not even ... things ... some times!  In no special order or level of significance.  None of them will surprise those who know me best.
     having my coffee in the color or style of mug/cup I'm in the mood for
     smelling Larry's rose blooms on my way to the mailbox
     THICK, dense foam on my coffee
     the smell of the dryer running (Gain sheets ... ummm)
     children giggling
     sunshine on the lanai
     doves cooing
     the cover of EVERY Coastal Living magazine
     the warmth, sight, & crackling of a fire (particularly Danno's)
     having an IPAD cover of whatever color I am craving at the moment
     pretty packaging ... I don't even have to open it or have it be mine .. I just love the sight!
     little kitty laying on the bed next to me & reaching out to touch my nose with her paw
     lemon blossoms
     the sound of our fountain
     watching ocean waves
     the San Luis Lighthouse foghorn at night
     Anthony or Addyson crawling into bed with me (after 7am!!!)
     being in a scrap "zone"
     reading my kindle
     surfing the web in the middle of the night
     taking pictures of anything, nothing, everything
     my UPS man- Harold (always cheerful & courteous)
     scent pods (thank you SOW)
     star gazing
     Hawaii- even if only in pictures!
     when I see the 201 or 342 prefix on an incoming call
     the wind catcher in DJ's yard
     deep thick bubble in a hot bath
     pedicures that don't tickle
     Boo coming to greet me
     holiday music
     true friendships (priceless)
     unexpected good news

This day has many hours ahead to enjoy and I shall do just that RIGHT NOW.


   

Never let go

I'm growing more accustomed to those senior moments that used to piss me off (don't bother to pardon my french).  They happen so frequently now, that it is part of my personality to make an extra trip up or down the stairs, into the garage or out to the storage room.  On a mission to grab something, I get to my destination & find my attention snared by something I was looking for weeks ago, or my energy loaned out to tidy up- and I end up returning to my original project or chore, wondering where I left off- which of course leads me to what I actually left for to begin with.  Once upon a time, there may have been a "ha-rumph" of frustration heard at that point. These days, I see it as #1 ... an exercise program, or #2 ... multi-tasking!  Well, in an abstract sort of way ... really.  These specks of time no longer upset me .. for they're only just that... specks of time in my day, and what did it hurt?

BUT- it gives me reason to ponder (duh) ... that things just seconds ago have disappeared, at least momentarily, and yet ..... other snippets of conversation or split seconds caught on glossy paper- are etched on my mind in such a way that I can literally feel the emotion it first evoked ... an instant replay of the smile (sometimes giggle) returns.  vividly.
SOME of these brain visions (as I refer to them) are pivotal or turning points ... like the day my twin sisters were born.  2 months early, & being a surprise that there was even TWINS at all.  The birth of my own 2 sons ... clear as the nose on my face (?), the night their dad told me he wanted "out" (the stab in my chest), holding my grandchild for the first time (I melted), watching the last breath my father took(a pain& sight I never want to relive), and ... go figure- the first time I fed a giraffe (this list goes on & on). Yet- a great deal of the snapshots that pop in & out on a regular basis are silly moments, memorable only to me (??) The intentional wrong pronunciation of a word that then takes on an alternate meaning, the look on someone's face at a particular moment, the position my cats sleep in (as you can witness here), the ever-available smile on the Captain's face.(ditto) THESE are things I enjoy over & over in my mind .. that somehow manage to tip toe all the way to my heart in nano seconds at any given time.   And sometimes ... particularly when there are other things less pleasant going on ... these are the pictures that I never want to let go of.  THESE are the snippits, moments, nano seconds, instants,  specks, and brain visions I want to rewind & replay ... over & over.
Excuse me for a moment ....I'm having one now.

nature's movie trailer

I sit here in the coolness of the morning that is much welcomed following temps over the century mark 16 hours ago, and relish the fact that I can do so.  I so love to start my day out here when the marine layer lurks  sheepishly just this side of the horizon's reach.  Wisps of thin cotton candy float by, just out of reach of the mother cloud moving lazily behind with watchful eye.  There is a hint of breeze giving ever changing hints to where our thermometer digits will lead.   There is an ebb & flow to the traffic... those arriving & departing are taking that first & last look at the now gray-blue waters ... those with much road ahead of them- plowing onward without hesitation.  Passers-by on foot are with friends or pups (bags in hand), taking in the ocean air that beach dwellers appreciate at every opportunity, smiling, whistling, chatting.  There is a fivesome of sparrows holding court on the lollipop trees.  I can't hear the discussion, but there seems to be some disagreement between them.   A pair of purple finches are "see-sawing" on the Mexican sage.  Every time I see them ... I wonder (again) why they are called purple, since clearly, they are red! (but I digress).  Little kitty is nosing around the clam shells near my feet, trying to catch sight of the bug who flew in this direction.  It'll keep her occupied for a few minutes, as she is patient enough to sit & stare at it far longer than I would!  Popoki is sitting slumped over on the rug just inside the open doorway, eyes sleepily peering out to make sure he isn't missing a snack.  Oops, his patience is FAR thinner ... he's already turned & looking for the nearest cat cushion to circle into.  I have a line up of crows to my right.  squawk ... squawk... squawk .... mouths wide open just waiting for their turn to voice a complaint.  To me, they never look happy.  ALWAYS griping about something, and ALWAYS in numbers.  squawk, pace, squawk.   what a life.  A lone squirrel scurries across the field & disappears down a hole that undoubtedly goes on for miles & miles.  They have a tunnel system that rivals the NYC subway for traveling from point A to point B.  It used to have a stop (s) in our yard- but once we put up the great wall of Irwin ... they diverted elsewhere.  I see no trace of the apples I left for the deer on the hill in the common area that stretches out in front of me, but the Captain made sure the water buckets were refilled this morning.  The lack of rainfall this past season has dried up the hills- and a family of deer come down daily ... sometimes more than once a day ... to search for food & water.  Many of the yards used to have open slat fences & these gentle creatures would help themselves to fountains, ponds, & an array of flowering plants.  But fences have recently been filled in or repaired, leaving the rose bushes in the common area to take the full brunt of their appetites.  Some may protest that "nature" is thinning the population out by the lack of water & vegetation up the hill ... but we choose to toss out our fallen fruit & supply what brings them to our backyard theatre!  It's hard to watch little Bambi fawns struggle - I gladly sacrifice a bloom here & there to help them flourish. We've only noticed 1 buck so far & he doesn't always accompany the daily excursion to our lower grounds.  My collection of over 300 pictures has (finally) been compressed to about 50 with over an hour of time dedicated to the chore yesterday.  With the heat, I needed to find something that could be done INDOORS & downstairs where the house stays cooler.  NOW, the thermometer is slowly approaching 70 degrees, so the blue belly lizards are basking in sunny spots about our boardwalk.  Their morning routine seems to start off with a few push ups & sprints.  The wind current has shifted bringing a soft cool breeze into the lanai here .... and if it persists, I will need to grab my sweatshirt.  This time yesterday ... it was about 11 degrees warmer in this very spot I sit.  (and I begin to hum ... "what a difference a day makes").  I feel a groan in my tummy that's telling me I've had enough coffee & it's time for breakfast.  I will have to now decide which is stronger- my hunger pangs, or my desire to enjoy nature's panorama in real time.... hmm, lemme ponder that for a bit.

blast from the past!!

by chance... I logged onto FB yesterday just in time to see the post of a classmate who was basking in the beauty of my lanai view (so to speak) & documented it with a photo.  I commented, in passing, on where I thought the picture was taken and to my surprise ... got a response that she & 2 others gals we here for an overnight chick-cation!  By my calculation, I've not seen these women in at least 20 years!  Creeping my toe slightly over the border of my comfort zone, I sent off a note suggesting we meet up.  Afterward ... I questioned my sanity.  What would we have to talk about?  After all this time, what would we have in common? And, of course, I admit (sheepishly) .... what will they look like?  We are all at that magic (argh) #60 ... or rapidly approaching.  OMG .... what did I get myself into?
however, over the next couple of hours ... I found myself actually hoping their schedule would allow and hour or so to "catch up".  AND I WASNT disappointed... well except that the hour &  half we had ... was NOT nearly enough time together !  Needless to say, we jumped right into conversation, with nary a silent moment at the table.  We reminisced a bit, caught up a bit and even planned a bit.  This is not the end of the road for this foursome- we have much left to say & do I think.

MAYBE IT WASNT coming home again ... but it felt a little like that.  I heard things that reminded me why we remembered each other.  I heard things that I could relate to myself.  And best of all ... I appreciated the smiles & hugs I was greeted with!!  Pretty cool chicks I'd say!!

forever shall ye wave ...

the Captain & I were discussing plans for our holiday decorating over lunch today.  I 'm so pleased that he is such a patriotic guy .. since I am too!  I'm reminded of our trip East a few years ago. How I loved the multitude of American flags that were flown on a daily basis. THAT is the country I want to live in- where people are proud of where they are & what they can accomplish with their lives if they choose to put in the effort.  A place where we have choices.  A respectful place.  We spend much of July in honor of where we live & thankful for those who fight to keep the freedoms we possess that are far & above anywhere else in the world !  Our flag is hoisted every day we are home ... and by this weekend .. it will go up & STAY UP for a few days.  Lighted appropriately & waving proudly and gallantly to show our patriotism! God Bless America!

a GOOD DADDY ... (in spite?)

the smiles are genuine ... they were probably proceeded by a few giggles, maybe even a reminder of table manners ... but the best part of all is being together as a family at dinner time!
It doesn't happen near enough if everyone was asked- but duty calls to make a living and the gang is as used to it as they can be.
When "daddy" Chris was a couple years younger than Addy & his brother about Anthony's age here ... I could have blogged about his virtues as a father.  But the dreaded "D" happened along the way and since then-  there have been a few years  he's let his fatherhood obligations fall well through the cracks.  I managed to get through most of them- telling myself he was the one missing out on their momentous achievements & daily life .. but in honesty- the boys were short changed in the ways that are most common in single parent families!  All that being said- Chris is an amazing father.  Supportive, loving, generous with attention, and the knowledge that kids need as much love as they do guidelines.  Perhaps he's made up for what was shorted on him, or maybe he's just a good, GOOD man!!  I love you my son!!

you are NOT my father- you ARE my dad!

in 24 hours ....

this was a good "last" day for these two ....  they ate breakfast together ... discussing important things like pink hair ribbons & baby doll diapers!  

By mid morning, I was running errands & they were heading out to the bike trail ... no doubt with the munchkin jabbering all along the way.

They lunched at a picnic table, as miss-priss fired questions at the Captain, and passing on some wise advice about eating the lettuce on his sandwich!

A couple of hours & a car nap later, they picked me up and we headed to the recently weather-elusive beach.  The sun was high & bright ..... & we were all itching to get our feet into the sand!  It took all of 30 seconds for the bob-sie twins to hit the waters' edge.  And so it began ... the sprints from sandcastle to waves, the squeals of excitement, the "do it again" requests ....

I know that Addy is anxious to get home to mommy, daddy & brother ACE tomorrow- but while she will hugging & kissing them upon arrival ... there will be a grown man standing nearby with a tear or two welling up!