too little, too late, too bad

When I'm deeply impacted by something, my emotions turn inward. I appear numbed down, but it's only my defense mechanism to allow me to process stuff before the flood gates open. I pull away, appearing to distance myself and I get a little quiet .... but trust me- I'm in the moment. WAY in the moment. I don't know if I've always handled things this way- I don't even know how I came about doing so. I just know it is what it is. At least for now. My father, being gravely ill at this time ... has brought these feelings to the surface .... all too soon. To my own surprise, I still feel raw at times after losing my mother-in-law nearly 5 years ago & my mom just over a year. I'm not ready for this. As with BOTH the above, I was not prepared (no one was). And yet- it is happening. He's not my biological father ... but he is, in all ways, my dad. From my previous posts over time ... it's pretty obvious that it's my belief that "a sperm donor does not a father make". As I told him a few days ago (and in a letter that he keeps in a page protector with my mom's picture) He is the best thing that ever happened to mom & vise versa! These next few days may determine if they will be meeting up again sooner than anticipated.