what I hear in the silence of night

The Captain and I share a LOT of our thoughts and fears with each other.  I open up (routinely) to each of my sisters.  My friends Lois & Julie have heard portions of my tear filled fears on occasion.  Even my Dr gets a sniffly dose from time to time.  But NO ONE gets it all.  NO one person hears every thing I think about, every time I think about them.  No one.
There are those who praise me for my strength & optimism.  Praise that seems unwarranted to me.  It's probably more an avoidance of the situation VS the former adjectives.  I accept the compliments as gracefully as one can, considering I'm not sure what it is I say or do that prompts them.  Some days are easier to "live" than others.  Some days, I do feel like I'm simply surviving that particular day.  I avoid "wishing" things were different.  I still tend, however,  to compare my life  "before and after" my diagnosis.  My wanting to SCREAM out loud in anger has disappeared.  But I don't see any of these things as courageous in any way.   From past experiences, I have learned that there are some things, circumstances, & events that we have ABSOLUTELY no control over.  No matter how good or bad we are as human beings.  No matter how smart, or kind, or anything.  Sometimes, it is ALL out of our hands ..... EXCEPT- how we respond to them.  How we react.  How we move on.  And for a while, we don't realize we have control even there.  This is where I take my thoughts whenever I can ... to the things, the people, the experiences I still have time for.  The memories I can still add to the photo-bank in my head and heart.  And who knows .... maybe tonight I will go out on to the lanai in my jammie pants and slippers, instead of pausing at the window or crawling immediately back into bed.  MAYBE.