Schokoladenkuchen (and I mean it!!!)

I've found the word!
I can't freely pronounce it (it doesn't roll off my tongue just yet)
I certainly can't spell it without thinking about each and every syllable
But it is the word ....

When I am at wits end, frustrated, fit to be tied, about to blow, at the end of my rope, or just plain pissed off (pardon my french mom) .... THIS will be my word!
(well, that is as soon as I get it quickly from my mental filing cabinet, to the front of my language center, and onto the tip of my tongue!!)
Schokoladenkuchen !! 
I will proclaim with great ferocity, and my innards will calm.....  

I "give" you it's meaning here ... but to those unsuspecting.... I will SOOOOOO be feared! (haha)

THX Foo

(de)constructive criticism

APPARENTLY... I have crossed the line.  I've been called on the carpet.  I've been made accountable. I have to face the music.  I've talked the talk and now I have to walk the walk (on the plank).   ???, you ask?  Confused?  (I am)
bottom line ..... constructive criticism ONLY works or helps for those open to reconstruction.  In the course of my job.... I have managed, according to the .1 VS 99.9%, the total destruction of her confidence.  I immediately addressed her email to me with sentences full of sincere apology of my actions....as I would NEVER purposely direct comments meant to demean or deflate someone.

On one hand.... I feel really terrible that she feels terrible.  On the other hand (I think the left one), she went on to point out things I have done wrong in the past that are totally unrelated to the supposed purpose of her email.  On one hand, I am TOTALLY appreciative that she pointed out the affect my words had on her, but on that left hand again - that is why I was asked to do what it is I am doing.  I have worlds of experience in a field in which she is a newborn.

ALL THIS being said ... I will have a different approach when I return to my post, which (unfortunately) will be one of completely avoiding any suggestions in her direction- regardless of it's intent for the good of the group.  There may be an "I" in her spelling of team that I was not previously aware of.  AND .... I could be wrong.  (it happens)

While I am still scratching my head over this one... I'm sure life will soon give me something far more important to worry about in it's stead (she even pointed out that my illness is no excuse for my behavior?!)  SO even though it's bugging me at the moment, I have more pressing things in my life to give attention to... like, "what's for dinner Captain?"

WARNING .. Levels of effervescent witticism could be on the rise

when there are times when I'm not feeling so funny.  when the pain in my body pulls my thoughts and emotions so far inward that my words are limited and my smile seems tattoo'd on, those around me are at a loss.  Through the months since my cancer diagnosis, I've gone through changes above & beyond those visually obvious.  This "sentence" has changed my priorities.  Chemo has changed my taste buds.  The drugs, the routine - have changed ME.  In a physical way to be sure ... but also in an emotional way.  How could it not?  I am not quite as cheerful.  Not quite as silly.  Not quite as optimistic.
BUT I AM ... still VERY thankful & appreciative
of every moment, every day, every little memory or adventure I am able to wrack up- until too much changes me.
I'm not giving up- I am simply giving in to the changes I don't have as much control over as I wish I did.  

BETTER than onomatopoeia !!

ken

ken/

noun

1. 1.

   one's range of knowledge or sight.

   "such determination is beyond my ken"

   synonyms:

   knowledge, awareness, perception, vision, understanding, grasp,comprehension, realization, appreciation, consciousness More

verb

SCOTTISHN. ENGLISH

1. 1.

   know.

   "d'ye ken anyone who can boast of that?"

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   as the Captain and I awaited the arrival of our Lil Bits breakfast entree's ... he was reading the newspaper, with an occasional glance in my direction as I played a game of Words With Friends (I usually have 25-30 games in progress).  I mentioned to him that it was surprising that so many "names" were acceptable words-and pointed out that his name was one of them.  OF COURSE that prompted him to look up it's meaning (above).  This definition is the spitting image of my husband ... SO MUCH SO that the dictionary should have his picture parked next to it!!

   
   

   I'm aware that there are parents-to-be that take a great deal of time choosing names for their meanings... beit numerology, family origins, or it's rhythm or appearance with the last name.  In this case ... his parents "just liked" the name.  But MAN-O-MAN... how could they have nailed it any better(????)  I'm STILL trying to wrap my head around it myself!

Spoiled rotten (but not smelly)

I am spoiled.
I FULLY AGREE.

And we're it a perfect world (or up to me), every single person reading this blog would ALSO be, or has been soiled as well (numerous times)!  In my opinion (the only one that counts for the moment), there should be a different word for the good kind of "spoiled".  It's a spoiled with love sorta of thing like we do with our grandkids....not the have a tantrum til you get that candy bar kind!  But I digress (as usual)

The above thought came to mind as I soak in my bubbly tub, knowing that the dinner fixens are well into production by a non-complaining, eager-to-please hubby who has left me to my peaceful hideaway, save for a couple of IMessages!  IF HE THOUGHT he could sing, he would probably be doing that as he aims for the dinner hour I estimated need of.  

PC has robbed me of the spontaneity of  just grabbing a snack when the mood suits us.  It has taken away my occasional glass of wine (mostly).  It has removed my true joy of flavor moods and replaced them with an appreciation of one small bite of this, or just a tiny helping of that.  The diabetes caused by the PC requires planning, strategy, and consideration (bummer). 

SO- while the captain still spoils himself with that extra handful of dark chocolate M&M's.....he knows that he can't spoil me in the same way.  His acts and deeds on a DAILY basis are a constant reminder of how much he cares about me.  He doesn't even see it as spoiling.  It's simply his way of taking care of me.

YES, I'm spoiled ..,. but I am soooooo much more than that.
I am loved!!!!

MONSTERS IN THE NIGHT

OOOOPS...we did it AGAIN!

IN A FEW WEEKS - this lovely Sherri Reeve watercolor artwork will be hanging over our bed!

The next step for us is to check our local framing shop for costs ... as we already know what frame style we want & the size necessary.  Sherri's gallery will frame it at wholesale cost, but the shipping from HI to CA is not cheap!  Once we check our local professional- we will contact Sherri to either send us the artwork alone- or frame it first!!!
This piece has special meaning to us because we originally wanted one very similar about 6 years ago, but opted to hang a surfboard in the spot instead.  Each year we've returned...the Captain has approached it, or one similar, and "reminded me" that we almost bought it.  This time around, not only do we have a new place to consider it for ... BUT,  we travelled here to actually see the whales this year, so it has special significance for us!  A sign perhaps?  (only if we're looking for an excuse)      
      We strolled into Sherri's gallery late this morning and were greeted with hugs and smiles...as we always are.  She is a lovely lady and her attitude toward life (and love) is true to ourselves!!  We've known her for so long.. she's practically family, and we adore her in that same way.  I always look forward to going home- but with this as my next project... it's even more exciting!  THANK YOU for your help today Sherri, and thank YOU Captain .. for indulging me on this unexpected purchase.

tropical tap dance

I love the rain ... there is no disputing that.
I EVEN LOVE it when I am sitting on the beach here on Maui!
As the bathers skuttle from the water (?) and begin deserting the sand, I just scoot a little closer to my umbrella, once I judge the angle of the showers.  I know that it can last a few seconds, a few minute, a few hours ... IT, just as I, is on Maui time ... so it will get around to stopping when it gets around to stopping.
In this case ... I am happily (and quietly) lounging alone... reading my book, having completed a FACTIME interaction with the grandkids just moments ago.  These two little monkeys (as I often call them) are full of energy, full of kisses, and full of things to tell gramma.  MOSTLY, I listen and watch...occasionally asking a question or answering one.  The Captain left in an ocean kayak well over an hour ago and is due back ... when he gets back, as HE TOO is on Maui time!  The smile on his face as he drug the yellow, canoe shaped, floatie out to the water was totally worth however damp I get sitting here, for however long I do so.
The sand showers lasted the full 45 minutes I waited for the Capt to finish "his" 3 hour tour and are still powdering us now.  We have traded the sand in for carpet and are lounging on the lanai in the warm, humid air- as dinner warms in the oven.  It is lovely to end the day this way... and I am forced to state the obvious ...  that it's been another rotten day in paradise!!

Halmark thoughts of love

 I read the words aloud from card #1 and had a shower of tears to deal with.  Once recovered, with the help of a long hug and a few kisses sprinkles across my freckled nose- the first words from the Captain were "this card stole the thoughts right out of my head"!  And indeed it did....as they were things he says to me on a regular basis.  He does not save them for candle-lit dinners or special holidays!

They are words and thoughts that come from his heart.  Oh sure, there are times when he expresses them a bit less poetically- but their meaning are NO LESS powerful or appreciated in any way.  He is a prince among husbands, as MANY would fully agree and have no challenge.  I am truly blessed that he loves me 100% of the time for 99.9% of everything I bring to our union.  He will profess that it includes that last .1%, but I know better- particularly now... as I can be more impatient with life than ever before.  I am unrelentful in my quest for simplicity of conversation at times.  I can be moody.  But in the end ... most importantly- he knows I adore him in every way possible and I could NEVER expect more of him than he puts forth.  HE IS my daily reminder that GOOD things happen to good people too!!
ODDLY, he is the more romantic 1/2 of our duo ... much to my appreciation (& sometime HIS frustration)- and I could never lack affection or proof of his devotion, even in my darkest of times.  The fact that he has found ways (and cards) to speak his heartfelt emotions is daily proof how how lucky I have been in love!  For me, for US- Valentines Days is celebrated every day together!!

but the ocean is forgiving ....

Inner peace... and...

SERENITY
is a VERY IMPORTANT entity in my life these days.  The environment that I now lounge in, is what gives me exactly that.  As close to a full body experience as I can imagine (given that it's not likely that I will ever be laying here AND getting a massage, AND listening to soft music, AND sipping something cool and sweet, AND chatting with my inner circle of friends...WHILE in this environment.  People do that sort of thing...at a price, I just havent).
But the serenity part?  I got that covered.  I can tune out the occasional bitchy couple, whining child, persistant fly, leaf blower, telephone conversation... I can, I will, I am.  The sound of the waves pulls me in, the warmth of the sun keeps me there.... in that little space between reality and serenity.  The beauty of it being that I can stay for nearly as long as I like.  Right now... I like, I like a LOT!!

Just as I left it (it my heart)

Pictures to follow In a day or two...
But suffice to say, our lovely Maui is as we left it 18mos ago.  We have found it a little greener this time of year, and a little more crowded as well, as the winter travelers escape storms of snow and ice!   As we left SFO...  the heavily overcast end, puddly views from our A1&2 seats reminded us of why that is.  Being just outside my 48 hour chemo window, I was feeling the fatigue, but with comedy seating- was able to nap off and on.  Of course as soon as we began to ascend, a surge of energy took over and from then til after a couple sips of my first Mai tai.  As is my typical nature, I was fully unpacked within an hour of arrival in our temporary unit (4 days) and ready for my Hawaii time clock to take over.
Before sunrise this morning I was aching to hear the chirping quail (some would call them screeching).  I tiptoed out onto the lanai to see the moon in full bloom, took in the fragrance of a nearby plumeria, and returned to the arms of the captain...where we laid in the darkness and semi planned our day.  Paradise has already set in for us... FRANKLY we bring most of it from home and just fill in a few gaps here!  The captain is enroute to providing our fresh, morning fruit plate, and I'm pretty sure it will be accompanied by 1/2 of a gooey, disgusting (?), sticky bun (and a vanilla Mac nut coffee)
ALOHA for the moment.