the dawn's early light ... and me

It's just after 5am as I sit down to tap at this keyboard and I am bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Well, I'm fudging on the bright eyed part ... probably a little bloodshot at this point.  I've been vertical for a few minutes, restless for an hour before that, tossing & turning for a timeless period prior as well.  why?  hmmm.  I'm not sleeping well these days.  menopause. alignment of the planets. coffee.  life.  who knows.  Usually, come 3pm or so, my body revolts and I get in a solid 30-40 minutes of the best snooze time.  For now- no pillow seems cool enough against my cheek, no kitty kat snuggly enough, no view of the ocean enough comfort to me to give me a restful night's sleep .... but I know this too shall pass.  eventually.  I've yo-yo'd back to the computer here a few times.  adding items to the grocery list while they are present in mind, feeding the cats, nuking my coffee .... but I think I'm settled here for now.  Traffic sounds light this morning, not sure why. With summer beach bunnies in full residence 24-7, it's usually hoppin'  The air is cool this morning, just this side of chilly, and I've sparked the patio heater to give me a cozy atmosphere for however long I'm happily self-banished to the lanai where I'm perched.  The birds are chirping merrily, & I choose to see that as a sunny day forecast.  I caught a glimpse of a doe & her young fawn a few minutes ago .. but I guess they had an early appt, as they didn't stick around for as long as usual. The innerds of the household are still quiet & dark, save for the glow of the nightlight in the hallway & the first shade pulled aside... and all of this is comforting to me.  So is having a little "me" time.   I've been lacking in that of late.  It's partially because of the changing atmosphere in paradise, with the balance attributed to thoughts of what lies ahead.  it's difficult not to wander there mentally & emotionally.  I have a significant circle of mental caregivers (friends offering a shoulder or an ear), but even in all my mature wisdom(?), I find it difficult to seek, or even appear to need help.  It's too ingrained to change now I suppose .... but at least I recognize the signs before my psychy sends up flares.  Places where I went to escape my thoughts are temporarily closed, so I've been knocking on virtual doors, but so far- I've not figured out the password for entry.  Perhaps it will suddenly come to me in a dream or during one of my midnight tubfests.
   We had anticipated guests' arrivals today that has been postponed due to sniffles.  With Pa's immune system compromised ... that can be precarious.  I'm not sure if what I feel is relief or disappointment.  There is a cloak of numbness that creeps up now & again that I usually vacuum or scrub through.  I wish it were treadmilling or kayaking it's way toward the light, but that's not the case.  LOSING my parents gained me 15# in the last year ... doesn't seem quite fair if you ask me.  It's another indication that God is a man ...   And now, with the morning light in full bloom, I'm going to look for something constructive to accomplish (or eat) and get on with my day.  Hump Hump to all.