miss you mom ... just not "that" much (yet)

and so it goes .... with a few more travel brochures yet to browse through .... I have yet to pack my things for the journey.  I have another weather report to check on tomorrow.... then we'll know if the price is right.
I love you mom, and I miss you a great deal... but I'm so busy here that I'd hoped to put off the travel for at least a year.  Let me see if there is a compromise of sort that would work out better for all of us and I will get back to you!

today's emotional weather was better than forecasted!

I am 10 months into the 11th anniversary of my 39th birthday, and I JUST met my family.
You can grab your calculator to figure out my age but frankly, it has very little to do with the importance of this day.
And it almost didn't happen.
A few days ago, the Captain and I were invited to a Peachee family gathering.
I've never been to one, though I AM a Peachee.
I was gently urged to attend by the host, my Aunt Betty.... and gently encouraged by the Captain- but I didn't commit to either.
Until this morning.
Once pointed in the direction of Southern Cal, I busied myself with phone calls, magazines, & my IPAD ..... but my mind occasionally wandered off to our destination and I questioned what I might be getting myself into.  Without the luxury of time on my side ... do I need another emotional commitment, and could I even make one at all?  I didn't come up with an answer while on the road, and after spending just under 3 hours with virtual strangers- I was still no closer to an answer.  BUT- the Captain reminded me I didn't need to decide then, or now, or even tomorrow ... because it won't change the fact that they are INDEED family ... and if they are worthy of me, or vise versa .... they will still be family regardless of what I am able to bring to the table (or not)
I can choose to carry the disappointment of not being the chosen daughter, or I can look to these (very gracious) people I shared time with today- as new friends in my life.
And I for one, have always agreed that you can NEVER have too many friends!

family ties

I have never made it a secret that I watch some of the Real Housewives programs.  I'm not a closet viewer, even though I gently justify -when the captain teases me about it.  On rare occasion, there are tender, thought provoking moments.  In a recent episode, a "housewife" went to visit her family.  Candidly, she was a fish out of water.  She claims that she doesn't connect with her Texas planted family, and that she knew when she was in high school that she would not stay in the small town of Waco- and she moved away the day after she graduated.  This woman is a multi millionaire and her family are good ole, down-to-earth boys (r-e-a-l people).  For her, the distance between her life & theirs (speaking logistically) is a relief.  She cares about them (and generously contributes to the local school programs, etc) ... but she doesn't identify with them and therefore, it is a lot of emotional work to be with them.
One can't help but be comparative while watching these programs... and I am no exception.  One of my "excuses" for my semi-addiction to these formats is that they are #1 not r-e-a-l, and therefore ... TOTALLY different from my life, making them entertaining!  In this case ... the idea of removing myself from the lives of my sisters (ie) by thousands of miles (or anything else for that matter) ... is unimaginable to me.  During retirement discussions years ago to move away- the deciding element came down to NOT wanting to be that far away from family, unless we we all had the ability to travel at will to visit each other.  DUH.  The electronic era has provided us with the ability to chat, share, post, blog, and alert at any hour of the day from anywhere in the world (and we have) and rarely a day goes by without communication from one or more of us in different combinations or configurations.  I am thankful beyond words... particularly at this junction in my life ... that we can go without sharing physical space and still be connected at the hip (or heart as the case may be).
ENTER today ....
There is family .... far removed- that is holding out for an appearance from me.  I've yet to come to grips with this new information.  I'm not sure I have the emotional (or physical) strength for what could be a let down or entanglement. I'm looking for a sign of the direction to turn at this crossroad.  Time will tell I suppose (doesn't it always?)
but ... I do believe that water can be pretty thick sometimes.

TRYING to kick summer to the curb!

IN ANTICIPATION ... or perhaps more of a wishful thinking situation ... we have officially kicked off the fall holidays with our "viewing" of Hocus Pocus this evening ... and I am searching for the perfect stew recipe while I'm sitting still!  The evenings have begun to cool ... but not nearly enough for me to feel like autumn has arrived.  But I'm optimistic that it's just around the corner, and I want to be ready!!
I have some medical obligations first thing in the morning, but I hope to then tour the local apple groves and pumpkin patch for a few dozen snapshots!  Then we gotta get back to catch up on all the life that went on while we were on vacation!  I still have a few things to accomplish before I am subject to limited ability!  During that time .. I have a new ukulele to keep me company, and about 40 recorded hours on the DVR!  
RIGHT NOW, I have a few more recipes to jot down!!  Mind over matter... mind over matter

if you could see what I see...

the skies in Hawaii are not often clear at night.  In this climate, there are usually clouds of some type 24/7.  My comment to the Captain as we were watching 6 ays 7 nights- was that "the skies are NEVER full of stars like that".  (it was filmed on Kauai)
I was wrong.
At 5:40 this morning, the sky was black as coal... and magnificently sprinkled with diamonds of the finest quality.
hundreds of them.  WOW ... audibly, I murmured the word.  and again WOW.
I stood at the railing in awe of something I have never seen before, and might never see again.  At this hour, in this place.  It was dead silent, save for an oversized wave break.  Even the roosters seem to be mum in it honor.

And now, as the impending sunrise pulls gently at the darkness ... the stars are fading and a golden glow begins to spread... slow like honey.  The sounds of morning begin to pierce the serenity of my lanai. A pretty little bird song that I hear only in the early morn, the occasional passing car.  Smells are rising from lower units ... breakfast aromas are over-riding the dewiness.  In the distance I see lights of a tug heading into the bay, a breeze is forming-urging the palm trees to sashay from side to side, and my coffee (choc-coconut) has cooled.

It is my final day here on Kauai .... within a couple of hours, the day will turn to hustle & bustle.  I will be rubbing elbows with others who's time in paradise has come to an all-too-soon ending.  I, am lucky enough to be "going" to another paradise.  My beach house.  My paradise in a sweatshirt.  The place where I will find welcoming pets, FEOTS and a very comfy bed!!

ALOHA sweet Kauai.... for now.

working at relaxing ASAP

within a few days, I am (so) going to wish I was doing this .... 

It's the way I have spent more days than not for the past 3 weeks.  I was not bored, I did not feel guilty.  I relaxed!  (and I was really good at it)

TODAY, my routine has been a bit different.  It was time to figure out how to get back onto the suitcases.  2morrow is departure day, and we do NOT want to spend our last morning rushing to get out the door on time.  2 boxes have been shipped home, with another packed up that will be used as our 2nd carry on... since I am now hand carrying my sa-weet ukulele on to the plane.

AS OF 30 minutes ago... I am officially done, with the exception of those minor things that have to go into the cases in the morning after our toiletries are completed, and the Captain is off to the beach for his last paddle boarding outing of this trip.  Upon his return, we will round up the leftovers to figure out what to "call" dinner ... and toast to our trip's completion with a customized mai tai.  As the evennig comes to an end (with me likely in a bubbled tub), I will likely be a bit overwhelmed with thoughts of what I am leaving and where I am heading .... feeling weary and    sad.  I have, before, been far more ready to go home than this.  The circumstances were much different then.  For now, I shall enjoy, and perhaps even relish in the few waking hours I have left here.

Adulthood, the third time around

As the remaining female in the household when my mom would roll out of bed around 4:30am to go to job #1, I was the one who would arouse my brothers (then 5 & 11), to make sure they ate breakfast & were out the door and off to school on time.
I was 8.
My younger brother was agreeable & easy to mother.  My older brother was less so, and I often found myself finishing up his chores before bedtime (when mom was at job #3), so that she wouldn't be upset or doing them herself instead of sleeping.  Between he & I, the TV watching was controlled on alternate days, but I often found myself giving in to him, rather than pushing & shoving over it, without a parent there to referee.  I was not a lazy child, so the house & laundry was kept up as best I was capable of.  Mike was much too young to do more than pick up his own toys and Steve was ... well, busy being Steve.
When I was 11, my mom married EEZ (that is how his bowling shirts were monogramed.  It wasn't long before I was calling him dad because he treated this instant family as if we were his own!  I had not been a child since I was just past 4, so this was a welcomed, albeit not a recognized change at the time.  Within months, along came a set of twin girls and I was mothering again.  Steve was solidly into his teen years and off doing boy things, & Mike was living with his birth father.  A year later, along came the 6th & last sibling, and my job was multiplied out of household need ... for another  6 years.
Shortly out of high school, I was married and beginning adulthood #2.  At 18, even if you are totally responsible and taking care of yourself, it's expected that you will make mistakes.  "You're young", they say.  I didn't make many mistakes, because I'd not been young for a very long time.  In the following 13 years, I had 2 kids- a house with all the trimmings, a solid job, a travel trailer, numerous new cars.... and a divorce.  (then I spent a few years making up for lost teenage years by making a lot of mistakes, including another marriage that cost me heavily. and made adulthood a more difficult than ever)
FINALLY, round abouts my early 40's ... my 3rd and final adulthood came a'knockin'.  I turned my life around (pretty much starting over, but resigned & dedicated to moving forward).  I had more than I started with as a young newlywed- I was smarter, stronger & more assertive toward what was fair & just... but also old enough to know I had a long way to go to catch up to where I should be at 40!  This adulthood started off with a lot of hard work and hard knocks, but has paid off in hearts & fairy dust.  I won't say it's been all sunshine & roses (particularly at the moment), but it has been and continues to be an amazing ride.  I used to think I arrived here at this place in my life because I had been thru a lot of crap, but a dear friend & I were chatting last night and wondering if I landed in this dream of a life that started in 1996 ... because I was  "destined" to be going thru the big C ... and may lose it all too soon.
Who knows.
The bottom line at the moment is that I need to enjoy what I DO have and not dwell on what is to come (or not).  As an adult, (and more acurately as ME) that is not easy.  I am one for preparing & planning & thinking ahead.  I (sort of) have to stop doing that, cuz it takes away from my TODAYS !!  This is my final adulthood and I think I have done a fabulous job (with some help of course)
THUMBS UP for the princess.

kitty katastophy of Kauai

on our photo outing today (thank you for indulging me Captain) we headed out to the Ahukini Landing ... it's the location of a port for shipping sugar off the island.  (early 1900's)  While the majority of the cement supports still exist .... they are slowly breaking away as well.  A walkway along a portion of  it has been maintained- probably to allow it to be a tourist attraction (we saw a bus arrive while we were there).  But the views out toward the ocean and jetty are positively breathtaking. It's a rough, rocky area- not safe for swimming or watersports ... but the colors and wave music are wonderful!

This is the first time we have noticed any critters out here other than chickens.  At first we noticed a single scrawny guy wandering  about the rocks.  We tried to entice him over for a conversation, but he was skittish.

As we made our way around the crumbling pier, we noticed another, and another, plus a chicken here and a chicken there (and more amongst the tall grasses) and it seemed every time we turned around, there was another cat or kitten peeking out or wandering about.  Last count was roughly 9 or so, but what we found interesting was the

variety!!
     If we were to guess... it would be that someone left a litter there at some point and as time has passed... they have bred amongst themselves... creating all sorts of interesting markings. (and more feral cats of course)  They were living in close quarters with the chickens, and it was obvious that there have been some disagreements at times...
    THIS is not unusual for the island, the populations of both species are out of control- BUT, for today ... it was a photo op to add to our Kauai folder of memories.  (and made us miss our own kitty kats at home)

why did this chicken cross the road ??

It's difficult to say ...
Watching them ... they don't often look like they know what they are doing.  Their heads jerk from side to side erratically as if that 3rd cup of Kona coffee put them over the top!  They peck, they flick, they mumble constantly.  Are they talking to themselves?  or chatting with others unseen?  Are they talking about us ??  (like those ladies in the nail salon)  who knows ..... certainly not I

 PERHAPS .... he noticed this lovely young couple a few feet away and was interested in an autograph .... or more likely, a handout!

I'm thinking it's more likely (and certainly more intelligent) that he is interested in a better view of the falls.  Although, chickens are not known to be to be particularly smart..... so .....

Let me give up on this mind bending question and just go about my day... hoping that someone else can sort this all out.

After all, I'm on vacation!

Tears of longing

I cried last night
A tub full of tears
Well, actually in a full tub, I cried.  It the time my brain slows and reality arrives
Longing
Longing for the things  I love most
Family, friends, home, music, my own pillow
Longing for things I will have very soon, but not for as long as I would like
Longing
I can sometimes go for days without really thinking about it, but still it's there...in a whisper
in a pang of discomfort, in the need for a nap, in a plan regarding next year
It's there.  It never really goes away, it just has less control of a moment ..... or two
I wonder, I wish, I weep
but most of all....for now........ I live, and love, and appreciate.

the face of paradise

THIS is the look of relaxation.  THIS is the look of a laid back disposition.

 THIS is me.  Feeling the vibes of Hawaii in the way I have ever since I started coming here with the Captain and his parents.

EVEN THOUGH I had been to the islands 3 times prior to that ... it was NEVER totally relaxed or laid back, and I can't say I ever actually felt the island vibes.  They were just a nice place to visit.  But the island girl within me was awakened in 1998 when they were re-introduced to me by people who loved this place, who felt this place, who relished being here.  From that visit- it has been part of my soul,  and my heart has grown fonder yet over the years.  From the moment I am touched by it's warm breezes, I am possessed.  I am mo betta.  
And so- already 2/3 into our trip ... I am practically a noodle, albeit a carmel colored one.  I hear the chants in my head, keeping time with the waves and the roosters.  I feel the sand under my feet, even when I am yards from the beach.  And I feel the presence of Betty & Bill.... 2 people I could not have loved more if I had been born into the family.  They are ALOHA to me, and it lives on through my sweet Captain who is his parents' son and ... most thankfully ... my husband!  Mahalo for this life.

it's not ALWAYS about the toes ... (just mostly)

someone commented on a FB posting of mine, that I must like my toes, since I often post pictures of them.  It's one of those instances where what one sees when taking a picture is not necessarily what another perceives when viewing it.
I whole heartedly agree that I commonly snap & post photos of my feet.  PLEASE note, that they are always in a "relaxed" position and usually wearing my favorite shoes ... which is none-at-all!  I see them as the fore-drop of my environment at that moment in time, rather than a picture of my feet.  BUT .... let me also mention here, that I have taken FAR MORE pictures of flowers over the years ... so my footsies play a distant 2nd fiddle.
That being said - I have inserted a greater number of pics than usual in this particular blog post because I have been remiss in my publishing responsibilities, and a lot has been going on!!  SO though my norm is generally to focus in on one topic or snipit of time ... I am breaking out of the mold, to catch up !!
I have continued my quest for flowers that speak to me ... and that is not likely to change any time soon.  I click off  FAR

MORE photos than I keep (thank gosh for digital!!!)- but if you are not into flora .... then some posts with be a visual "blah-blah-blah" for you.  Regressing a bit- I will NEVER post a picture of my feet if I am not in a good place physically, emotionally, or mentally- so if you see my feet, you can bet, it's a GOOD day!  Having said that, I would like to officially thank everyone who commented about my finger being in the FB pics I posted yesterday.  Using my phone as a (dare I say) "camera" makes it soooooo easy to do that, but honestly, I did NOT preview what I was posting (#1 excuse), I was out in the BIGHT sunlight & couldn't see the screen very well (#2)

and .... (#3 & final) .... with a display the size of a business card- I'm not sure I would even notice the flesh colored personal accoutrement anyway!!  OILWELL.  I relished the half hour I was totally alone at the pool, and even afterward when only 1 other person arrived (nice lady).  I swam a few laps which felt great, daydreamed uninterrupted, & captured my surroundings on my phone.  what's not to like?
Low & behold ... shortly before we left home, we found out that sister Cindy's partner in work-crime (so to speak) was also due here a few days after us, for a valuable (too few) days of TOTAL relaxation with his wife Barbara.  They set up a time/place in advance to meet us for dinner & we spent over 2 hours talking story & celebrating BOTH the Lee anniversary (28 yrs) & the Irwins' #14 !!  The food was wonderful, the company very comfortable & the atmosphere at "Tidepools" restaurant quite lovely!!  It was an unexpected pleasure and we are likely to return there ourselves on subsequent trips back to Kauai!! (note to self)
Of course our trip has NOT been without a bit of shopping (duh .. the Captain came with me).  Already listed as a must before arriving was a peek at the Harley shop for a new T (or 3).  Mission accomplished, along with one for the Capt's brudduh.

The Captain is often the instigator for a shopping excursion ... and this time it took much of the day with it's primary target being our grandkids.  They love receiving mail... so an actual package is frosting on the postal cake!!  We made good use of flat rate shipping and their individual boxes were stuffed!  The rule being- if you can get the box shut ... it doesn't matter how overstuffed it is (YAY)  The kids love ANYTHING we send ... but it still takes us hours to decide what it should be!!
FOR THE FIRST TIME since mom & dad both stopped coming with us (or vise versa to be more correct) - we shared our home away from home.  This being our good friends Marlo & Helena Beltrano.  Our 10+ yr friendship has bonded above & beyond expectations, as they have proven to be easy travel companions.  After our first week (just the 4 of us), their adorable daughter

Gabby flew in, and they moved into a separate unit to allow more privacy for all ... but we have continued to spend most days & meals together, as their departure is coming up quick (it seems).

We will then have 6 full days as a newlywed couple, and as much as I love sharing "our" Kauai with friends or family ... I cherish the lazy togetherness that we experience during that time.  We do very little driving on those days (or cooking either for that matter) .... it's time on the warm sand for me- reading, wading, journaling, walking, napping, (these days even some texting).  For the captain ... it's hours of water play.  Some snorkeling, some exploring, and lots and LOTS of paddle boarding !! (need you ask?)
We now stand at day 10 with more to open than have already closed.  There is still much to look forward to and yet ... when the time comes to pack up and leave ... we will look forward to being home as well.  HOW MANY people can even say that?  We are lucky in love, lucky in vaca destinations,  lucky to adore where we live & lucky in other ways too numerous to count!