a chapter revisited .... a decade later

I stand now, on the precipice of the newest chapter in my life, and I DO realize, it's not like somewhere "no man has gone before".  But it's a change, not necessarily planned for ... til now.  It IS a chapter visited before, now up for renewal due to the all too recent passing of our beloved SirBil.  For better understanding, let me first recap this past 13 years ... (in a nutshell ?) .... It began with a household of 3.  The Capt, myself & daughter 17 yr old Vanessa.  Trials & tribulations visited occassionally, but nothing out of the ordinary when there's a teenager on the premises!  Her time came to find other living arrangements and we began honeymooning again, just about the time the Capt's company moved the bulk of operations to the valley.  Within a few weeks, he was working there 4 days a week & home for a 3 day weekend.  I was working near full time & it was pretty easy to keep myself occupied with my job, Mission Valley Chorus, Fizzz quarteting, & a new kitty (make that 2).  That was the norm for a couple of years, & it worked just fine.  Then we bought our home here ... a little unexpectedly, and I made a 3/4 move, while the Capt was still working in Sac, allowing him only a 2/7th move- he was away 8-9 days straight, then usually home for 4.  I worked 3 days a week out of town, then enjoyed our new home for the balance ... with well over 50% of that time ... by myself, for about 2 years.  BUT IT STILL WORKED.  A sudden loss of Mom Betty, resulted in moving Pa here lickety split.  By this time, I had secured a PT job locally.  SirBil was pretty active in those days.  grocery shopping, walking about the neighborhood, caring for the kittys, reading at the park, hitting the library, even a drive to explore the area.  And the 2 of us fell into a gentle routine together, while the Capt's schedule brought him home every other weekend as usual.  THEN the (yippee) time came around when Ken officially retired.  MANY people warned me (kiddingly or not) that we weren't used to being together full time, & it would be a transition for us.  And it was.  Life went from good to good-er!  And the 3 of us travelled a little, enjoyed our days on the beach, & dinner every night.  It was comfortable.  It felt right.  Occassionally, the Capt & I would take time to ourselves for a few days away.  A couple of years ago- Pa's health & age was catching up with him & we were spending a lot of time in Drs' offices, physical therapy appts and ... hospitals as well.  During that time, we were grateful to have a couple of months without medical incident.  With a lot of encouragement (ok, a little nagging too)- he pulled through & even improved significantly for a time.  With the support of friends & family, the Capt & I still had the opportunity for some time to ourselves here & there.  Then, a particular hospital stay burst our lucky bubble & kicked his butt ..... demanding our constant supervision of his daily activity and diet.  Our routine was based on his needs & we didn't leave him alone for more than an hour or 2- much less an overnighter.  His mobility was seriously threatened and he was relying on his scooter or the wheelchair  for 50% of the time we had him out. But we kept on encouraging him & kept on cheering him on & making plans with him.  But then the bomb hit at the end of April- in the form of a terminal diagnosis, keeping one or both of us home & with him 24-7.  At times, we were a little frustrated.  At times we clung to each other.  But it worked too ... for what it was.  And now- we are starting into a chapter of our lives that we haven't experienced for almost 10 years .... just the 2 of us, living together -full time.  In this time of immense sadness over losing our "roomy", the Capt & I are seeking an avenue toward the bright days we have ahead of us... our togetherness, alone.  We are going to grab this brass ring with our fists and relish every moment- because if we have learned nothing else from the past, we know that we only get each day, ONCE .... making every day important enough to spend it wisely, in joy, & with someone(s) you love & care about.  I hope this is a  r-e-a-l-l-y  LONG chapter!

pictures, papers, & plans

4 days ago, the kayak shop called Captain to ask if he was interested in leading a tour today.  He hesitated, I nodded yes (I recognize the patter of those calls), and a smile spread across his face.  I have made an effort to give us a piece of each day to be together & away from the house.  The house full of chores, full of obligations.  But I knew he needed to get out on the water.  It was time for him to just enjoy himself during a few hours that didn't involve his responsibilities following dad's death, his desire to help me, his attempt to "fix" everything & get our lives back on track.  Today was that time.  I, on the otherhand have given myself permission to take the morning off for a relaxed breakfast, catching up on some magazines, & surfing the net.  I'm sort of doing that.  One half of my brain is doing it ... the other half, lining up chores to accomplish this afternoon.  One might remind me that there is no rush.  And that's literally true.  But without tasks being tackled every day- this limbo we are experiencing will last all the longer, and that's not very comforting.  Each of us find our own path to emotional recovery.  A path that can veer off through the woods or a straight road to the destination we choose.  There is no right or wrong way.  Even over the next hour or so- I will probably struggle with my choices for today ... to sit, feet up, steaming latte in hand, Pandora music lofting in the backround- or jumping back into paperwork, packing & picking up the pieces left behind by departure of a loved one.

time doesn't stand still ... but neither does the healing.

It's been ..... different since Pa's passing (of course).   It's been busier actually ... but in a far different way.  Our time clock is less rigid and yet- more result focused.  Our planning sessions together more goal oriented.  Our meals ... oddly timed.  But the healing of our hearts?  Well, with time it will feel more like we are making progress there.  To say we are not relieved on some level wouldn't be acurate.  We are ... relieved that our worry about Pa's safety or comfort, or health is now a mute point.  Relieved that his final days were FAR LESS uncomfortable than is common with the diagnosis he was facing.  Relieved that his difficulties with decreasing mobility & endurance particularly over

these past couple of years ... are over.  And yes I admit, a little uncomfortably- relieved that his illness didn't become a hardship for the Capt & my relationship.  This is not to say it was always candy & roses ... but it MOSTLY was!  The 3 of us made a lot of great memories together and we have NEVER regretted our home becoming his home.  Not once.  BUT- with the work ahead of us to physically "move him out", since he's taken off for the high ground (?) ... we decided to take a full day off & think of ourselves.  We used to do it every 2-3 months, but with our concerns ... it's been a while.  An hour into our stay-cation (almost), I thanked the Captain for making this day all about me.  An hour later, he did the same ..... and we knew that this 24 hours, would be just the emotional tank refill we both needed.  Some fresh air, a lot of talking & walking, & a bottle of wine.  It was just what the doctor would have ordered!  (and just what Pa would've wanted for us as well)

he made his flight, & arrived in the arms of his love!

I announced Pa's travel plans a few weeks ago- & didn't indicate a specific departure date at the time.  Part of the reason was because Dad was looking forward to seeing mom again after more than 5 years ... but still a little bit leary of the preparation that might be needed.  I assured him that it he would not need to pack, or really do much planning overall ... sort of just "show up" for the most part.  And I could see he was excited ... yet he still he lingered ever-so-slightly.  But last night- we talked for a really long time ... well, I talked & he listened ... and I reminded him that mom has had a long time to plan the reception for his arrival and, in fact, since both my parents have joined her recently... the gathering would be even more joyous than originally planned.  He thought about it briefly, but didn't make the move to leave just yet.  So I kept talking ... I can do that if I am forced to!  I asked if he could see mom in his dreams.  I asked if she was reaching out to him, for him.  I assured him that she would show him the way ... all he had to do is reach out & take her hand.  Of course by this time, I'm crying because I know I'm gonna miss him when he leaves ... but I kept telling him to look for her & when he sees her- reach out.  Take that last step that will allow them to be together forever.  And he did.
Early this morning, he took flight to be with the woman he called his "sunshine" every morning.  The very first girl he ever loved, & for 70 years, he has done just that.... loved & adored her.  And now- in my mind ... I see the two of them walking the beach together .. making the footprints in the sand that I used to take pictures of.  I hope our encouragement made it easier for ya Pa- I hope you will find a way to show me you are exactly where you wanted to be. and .. I do miss you already.  I started missing you the day your diagnosis was presented to us.  Aloha

tricks, treats & a side of jiberish ....

I woke up briefly at 3:33 ... and made a deal with "myself" that if I was still talking to "myself" in 10 minutes, I would get up & do something, rather than lay there and think about the fact that I am awake and still laying there!  read on the kindle, take my turn at WWF, Scramble, or Draw Something .. all of which were at my drousy fingertips.  I won (?) that battle, but re-entered the game about 45 minutes later. I lay there initially in the quiet shroud of darkness, listening to the intercom that sits a couple of feet away, noting the shallow but consistant patter of Pa's breathing & as if someone was thinking of me at that very moment ... another patter began.  raindrops.  How I love the sound of it on the skylights.  and I smiled.  Smiles have been infrequent in this last 24 hours ... and that's unusual in this household.  I've grown accustomed to at least one full belly laugh a day.  I miss it.  With Pa so close to "take off"  that he's about to fasten his seatbelt- the lower level of our home is feeling a little empty already.  The oxy machine is silent, as is the TV.  His Kindle sits, fully charged & recently "gifted" with a few new novels.  His email is monitored by the Capt in his stead, & there are chilled fruit cups & cans of ginger ale sitting impatiently & undisturbed.  Even in his declining health- this was not the case 72 hours ago!  and here I sit, waiting for the fatigue of my body to connect to the alertness of my brain ... or vise versa.  Little Kitty is perched on the threshold of Pa's room, her ears rotating to take in the sounds that come from within.  She wants to come & take advantage of my vacant lap & yet something holds her back.  A moment or two from now, she will show up at the alternate entry ... with a look on her face that urges me to explain to her why things "feel" different.  Pa's breathing takes on a new rhythm and I look over to see if he is awake, perhaps dreaming, or drifting further away .... but I cannot tell in this dim light- so I reach over and lay my hand on his arm.  perhaps he knows I'm here for him.  perhaps not. 
Sleep softly papa ... but feel free to slip away in the darkness if you like.  Know that by first light you could be walking in the warm sunshine alongside your sweetheart.  holding hands.  smiling.  happy. I love you.

things THEY did today ....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!  I have little doubt about some of your activities for the day ... in celebration of a birthday that you are sharing with your hubby.  You were the first one to rise & probably had a few games of solitaire under your belt before he got up.  Over breakfast there was some laughter, perhaps some chiding of how much butter dad was using on his toast... then you gathered up your iced tea & sweatshirts- to head off to the nearby Indian Casino for much of the day.  You are doing the driving (you little speed demon), and I'll bet the passenger dozed off for a few minutes!  Those KENO machines will get quite a workout & at the very least, you will break even ... but chances are ... being your birthday and all .... you'll win a little sumpin, sumpin.  Arriving home, you will watch the news, Jeopardy, & the Wheel ... then head off to bed, where dad will follow a short time later (after he's had a small dish of ice cream), and you'll decide that it was a pretty good way to spend your birthday.  I agree ... except that I would have liked to call you at 5am today, as I often did ... for my musical greeting  :o)  I love & miss you mom- but envy you for the great company you're keeping.  If someone brought over a birthday cake ... I hope you saved a piece for Bill ... he loves the corner piece with lots of extra frosting, just in case Betty didn't tell you!! 

things to remember if you're hungry ....

the first & MOST important thing to remember is do not, I REPEAT- DO NOT offer ANY of your favorite foods to this "vacuum"!  This includes, but is not limited to:  artichokes, shrimp spring rolls, stuffed mushrooms, snap peas, blueberries, golden raspberries, grape tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, guacamole, apricot sesame sausage, pomegranate juice, blueberry oatmeal, or chili relleno ....
Do NOT turn your back on him once he's tasted your food ... you may never see it again!

a tiny space of today ... & worth the wait!

I put a little note on FB this evening about "matching" a coffee cup to my BEAU-tiful bouquet of flowers, but I have to say it was really much more than that which "casued" me to smile today .... it was more about having a few seconds (maybe even minutes) of the day that felt like it belonged to me.  It sounds selfish .... but it certainly didn't feel that way.  They are luscious .. and smell heavenly!  My most fav yet  :o)

bed rest for the weary

with Dad's travel plans in full swing, we decided that perhaps he would be needing sleeping accomodations- in case the trip takes a little longer than anticipated.  THIS BEING a destination he's never been to - we're not sure if it's a long one, or includeds a layover.  We made the arrangements ourselves- but in plenty of time to cancel  if he objected.  He didn't say much, but once all was said & done, he was quite comfy & a little more relaxed.  We're getting the impression that the Capt & I may actually be "stewarding" for the journey ... so we are learning what we can before take off, so as not to panic (as much). 

& making some sleeping arrangements of his own, was our grandson Anthony.  It would appear that he can snooze just about any ole place ... if he stops long enough!  Just seconds before this, I hollered out "hey punkin', are you falling asleep out there?"  (I was working on dinner)  "NO!" he replied, "I'm just listening to the birds" .... hmmm, I'm not gonna fall for that line again!

lost & found

 I headed out to chorus rehearsal ... with "the boys" having a generalized game plan of how to occupy themselves during my absence - culminating in the Capt & Anthony coming to the latter part of my rehearsal (so I could literally "show off" my adorable grandson!)

the plan did not quite work out ..... because SOMEONE was "lost" for a short time.  Initially he headed out to the lanai to play with his cars while grampa was cleaning up after dinner, then the Capt noticed the silence & that the youngin' wans't on the lanai any more.  Well of course ... he's probably down hanging out with papa Bill ... uh, no.  Oh yea, yea, yea- he's probably sitting at gramma's craft table.  hmmmm ... not there?  Back yard- yea, that's it .... he love's it out there.  OMG, where is he??   Hey Dan (the neighbor), have you seen Anthony?  Julie ... can you help me find Anthony?  Dick- is Anthony over there???  (I'm pretty sure there were manly words inserted by now), and visions of police involvement ... And then, for whatever reason ... the Captain goes back to our bedroom and lifts up a pillow.   and there .... THERE he is ... sound asleep.  In his little cacoon.  Not hearing any of the calls for him.  AND GRAMPA probably took the first breath in a half hour!!!  As for Anthony- he had NO IDEA what the fuss was about.  He was tired, & in our bedroom looking for the cats.  and he layed down.  the sun was coming through the window, so he put a pillow in front of his face.  DUH  (Exhaustion has it's consequences.)  And grampa hasn't taken his eyes of him since!

the conversation that surprised me

I returned home today from an amazing, educational, bonding, exhausting, insightful, emotional, fattening, weekend- joyfully anticipating the checkerboard smile of this character .... and I was NOT disappointed.  I have MUCH to share with regard to the weekend ... but THAT will have to wait.  Letting the conversation I had at bed time with Gr child #1 ... is something I did not expect! 
Earlier in the evening - "papa Bill" took a tumble.  It was not a serious one (thankfully) ... but Anthony was witness to the level of help he needed afterward, and I believe that's what prompted his questions (and advice).  Anthony & his little sister were here a couple of weeks ago.  BEFORE they headed down for their rousing "hi Papa Bill" greeting that would be the norm, I, gwamma, sat them down and told them that he was sick and that too much noise or climbing on him would NOT be good for him.  Thay adjusted their level of energy accordingly and nothing more was discussed at the time.  TONIGHT, was an entirely different story.  While preparing the youngin for bed, he went in the bathroom for final call- and afterward took me back in there (where Pa's fall had taken place), and showed me the different scenarios that may have taken place, causing the tumble (Pa wasn't sure what happened).  Once he shared his thoughts & I had him snuggled into bed, I was explaining Pa's weak condition and how it translates to their interaction.  I asked if he remembered how Pa looked a couple of weeks ago and he nodded yes ("he looked yellow, & a little sad").  I asked him if he thought papa Bill looked different now & he nodded once again ("he looks REAL yellow and he sleeps in his chair a lot more").  I told him that we took him to the Dr and there is something wrong inside him that the Dr can't fix.  Anthony suggested at this point that we tell the Dr to do an Xray, and I told him we did that already.  He asked if it was the special kind that really shows you what's wrong inside, and I confirmed this as well.  He got tears in his eyes.  I reciprocated.  He asked if we could give the medicine that he (Anthony) had taken that tastes sort of like Sprite, made him feel better, & tasted really good .... so we talked about how age plays into the situation, & how some things make you die even sooner when you try to fix them.  His final comment being - "if you try to fix him and he dies real soon, then maybe you shouldn't try, and maybe he won't die so soon ... and if the medicine makes him feel yucky, then don't give it to him."  A few kisses and hugs later, along with his request to come sleep in my bed if he gets up before I do, he told me he would come get us if papa Bill calls for us, just in case we don't hear him! 
Such serious thoughts and ideas from a young man that's only had 2 month's practice at being 7.

ohhh ... say can you see (yes)

with all my "Independence Day" preparations, I did NOT neglect to GOOGLE the settings best for catching pictures of our local fireworks... which worked-  making our 4th of July festivities an even bigger success!  AS HAS BECOME our annual event ... the FEOTS gang spent the latter part of the day attached at the hip.  Between the appetizers, main meal, dessert AND being in the company of fun, FUN people ... the day was perf!  The weather cooperated by keeping the fog bank at bay & the marine layer high ... although we teased Julie unendingly over her "ski apparel".... telling her it was a bit over the top.  Frankly, one of the things that makes us such good friends, is that we don't take ourselves too seriously over such goofiness.  SO .... I will end my day by sifting through my 300+ pictures (again) to toss out a few more & get them to a manageable amount for a slide show for Pa tomorrow.  He accompanied us for the first feasting session across the street ... but it exhausted him, so he retired early & missed the "flashy" part!