surrounded but alone .... in my thoughts

this is me.
in my first life.
in the life that is full of holes.
spotty memories.
surrounded by struggles & emotional tug-o-wars








This is my mom
(and me)
This is what I see as my mom's first life.
It too .... for a number of years was full of turmoil & struggle, but I can't speak for her .....
maybe she thought it was worth it.
from what little I know, it's hard to believe, but maybe she thought so.
I am a product of my mom's first life-
the life that I'm pretty sure wasn't so happy. a life when she still had her parents ... and I still had mine. (and a couple of brothers)
I'm now in my 2nd life. (thankfully) This is the good one. My mom also had a 2nd life that was really good. Sure- some difficult times. Some sad times. But mostly good times. MOSTLY things she could do something about if she wanted to change them.... like my 2nd life.
But her 2nd life has just ended .....
with luck (or belief), she has gone to a good place .... not really another life. More like a new place to continue spending more time with this 2nd life that's been so much better than the first life. and yes .... I realize I'm rambling. my mind is rambling. my thoughts are rambling.
..........
today was different than yesterday .... in my thoughts .... I feel solitary. I feel abandoned. I feel a bit like an orphan. Because the memories that take me to the places in these pictures- aren't shared by anyone else. Mom is gone. nearly everything is gone from my first life. except the memories. That which is not gone .... is absent. leaving me .... alone



There is a "gray area" between mom's first life & her 2nd life. the time when my brothers Steve & Mike, and I crossed over with her .... but then Steve was gone and Mike crossed back.
leaving me.
yes- we were all adults by then but no matter our age (or state of mind) we are always someone's children.


So here I am tonight ... feeling like the left over from the first life & not really acknowledged in the 2nd. just a feeling, mind you- not a reality. I know that. feeling like I've had a few parents, but I'm nobody's child.
odd
death makes me think too much
too deep
too, too much